It's not all rainbows and cupcakes here..

Today was officially the first day I really just wanted to go home. Yes, culture shock has completely and utterly consumed me. I can't pretend it hasn't anymore. And I don't mean just the language, because if you think that is what culture shock is solely about, then you're for lack of a better word... a fool. I mean anything and everything is getting to me.

These are some of my.. not so.. favorite things:

• The unnecessary workout every time I got to the bathroom at school, because all they have are squatters... not to mention how it springs up intense pain in my knee's torn ligament
• the lingering and not at all discreet stares I get EVERYWHERE I go because I'm white
• the fact that my co-teacher can't even help me with what my bills say
• how internet banking and an ATM/debit card don't automatically come with your bank account, ( I still don't have both.. because "it's too difficult to set it up")
• the jokes and laughs students make at any black person they see
• the bullying that is seen but done nothing about
• how fist fights between students is not considered a cause to punish and is even laughed about by some teachers
• the incredible lack of special education services in schools
• the last-minute decisions
• the stereotypes of westerners (apparently all we eat is fried chicken, pizza, and hamburgers).. which makes it impossible to find one restaurant that sells simple turkey wraps, salads with GRILLED chicken, etc. (I haven't found one yet)
• the 101 ways to come off as rude just by the way you place your chopsticks on your plate
• most Korean stores do not allow you to try clothes on
• the EXTREME lack of consistent discipline, picking and choosing where Korean teachers DECIDE to discipline... makes no sense at all
• the constant beeping of taxis when they see a foreigner because they assume we don't know where the hell we're going and that we are definitely in need of a ride
• do you not believe in whole wheat bread?
• unmistakably, the most unsafe drivers on this planet (the light is red, there are pedestrians walking across the street.. why the HELL are you driving through 50mph?!?!) On that note...
• just because the little green guy in the light says you can walk, does NOT MEAN you SHOULD walk
• the fact that you can't stand in most bars and HAVE to find a seat, unless they might deny you entry
• you need to wait for other people at the table to finish eating even if you are done 15 minutes before, but then they just pressure you by giving alternating stares between you and your food (I've seen this happen between teachers and it is awkward for everyone involved, so WHY)
• ahjummas thinking they can do whatever they want, but mostly elbowing you to get out of their way
• why is there no skim milk available in coffee shops, and if there is, why must I pay extra for it?!
• subways closing at 11pm?!
• please stop telling me I have hips and won't fit into that skirt. I'm a westerner. Yes I have hips. I've known that my entire life, and I'm looking at the skirt because it's pretty, clearly I am aware it's not my size
• the difficulty in communicating my most simple needs.

Damn that felt good.

Now you understand why we need to be with foreigners or ourselves every weekend in order to stay slightly sane. As we've been told by many people, interviewers, Korean Teachers, other Guest English Teachers-  "Culture shock is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of normalcy." They're right. Of course I've noticed most of these things all along, but they were novel to me and interesting, and I was truly intrigued. But now, some of these things really, really get under my skin, and I have come up with 3 different choices for when they really agitate me:

1. close my eyes, take a deep breath and roll with it

2. remove myself from the situation before I say or do something I will regret

3. ignore it's happening. 

I'm proud to say I usually take on the first one, however sometimes I choose number two minus the removing myself part, which involves me saying something under my breath, or unfortunately a little louder. 

This whole rant was inspired mostly by today, but last week was just leading up to this post too.

Today started off great, but soon turned to chaos. During a group activity, I looked over and one of my 4th grade boys was punching another boy in the face. And I don't mean a light smack, I mean fist clenched and extreme contact to the face. 4th grade. 9 years-old. And they wonder how bullying starts here. I ran over, screamed at him to stop, he wouldn't, so I put both of my arms in front of the victim and the boy throws another punch, barely missing my arm. The anger and the determination in this 9 year-old's eyes was frightening. When he finally sat down, I stood there for the next 60 seconds peering down at them, letting them know my concern and my distaste. Now, I've heard stories of this happening before, so I knew right away what the reaction of my co-teacher was going to be (especially since she was 20 feet away but her presence was no where near this situation the entire time.) I went over to her after the 60 seconds, and said these exact words, "Did you see what just happened?"

"No, what?"

"That boy was punching that one in the face. Very violently."

She laughs out loud, covering her mouth, "hahaha. Oh really. hahahah"

I know fighting and physical contact like that in schools isn't taken seriously over here, but I did not expect a laugh. I gave her a look of disbelief, then she turned her face into a more serious look and that is when I walked away without another word.  (This would have been a situation in where I would say the wrong thing, so I held my tongue.) Five minutes later I went back and explained this additional difference between schools in America and schools here. I told her how in the States, fighting and any type of physical contact like that is taken VERY seriously. There would be immediate attention brought to it, inevitable punishment, a trip to the principal and/or social worker given the situation, and in extreme cases, suspension. She just kept saying, "Ohh woww, really, ahh!" In complete awe. I understand this is a different country, with different rules, different expectations, different ways of doing things, different interpretations of how rough is rough... but how is a 9 year-old punching the face of a fellow 9 year-old okay? It's just not. And the fact that bullying is increasing more and more in this country, the fact that there were 2 student suicides in this city and a neighboring one in the past month.. doesn't that ring a bell to anyone breathing... that it all begins with this. With picking on other people, with too much competition, with teachers doing absolutely NOTHING about it, so students take it to entirely new levels, because they know they can get away with it.. It is nonsense. It is insane. It is not okay. I know I am sharing these classes with a Korean teacher who has been doing this forever, but isn't it my classroom too? Aren't these students my students too? Isn't their safety in my very hands from the second they step into that room until the second they leave. They need to know my stand on it, and that I will never let that happen again in my presence.

I swear I envy my friends here who were not teachers back home. I have this teaching experience that I keep comparing this education system to, and some days I feel like that's not the best thing in the world to do. I'm constantly pulling ideas to get these kids motivated and energized and wanting to learn this universal language... but some days it barely works. I don't want to say that nothing has worked, because there are things I've pulled from my bag of tricks that have worked tremendously over here, just like they do in the States, but this is Korea. And that's America, and I have to treat it accordingly, even it goes against every single thing I was taught by my wonderful, wise professors. A lot of my ideas are shut down by my Korean teacher because it's "not the way we do things" or "let's just stick to the book" THEY HATE THE BOOK or "No. I think maybe this is too hard for them".. that one is the worst to hear, because it is apparent, especially now because of their recent test scores, that these classes are so mix-leveled. I clearly see the students who are bored because they finished the assignment in 3 minutes. But I also see the students who are struggling, playing with their pencils, because they barely know how to respond when I say, "How are you?" Sometimes I egg her on to at least try this technique or try this activity, because it will challenge the higher-level students, but if we do it this way, it will also accommodate the lower-level students giving them the extra scaffolding they need. Sometimes she'll be all for it (which usually results in her changing her mind at the last second, and pulling out a worksheet. So much for my idea) So most times I just give in, and say okay, and walk away. It's exhausting trying to make her see what I have to offer.

I would NEVER in a million years, go about co-teaching in this manner back in the States. When someone decides to become an educator, you agree to work with others. It is impossible to get around it in the school system, and I loved that part of it when I decided to become an education major and teach for the rest of my life. Teaching is about sharing ideas, receiving and giving input (which is not always input you want to hear or give, but you do it because it's part of your job and it benefits the students in the end.) If you are someone who likes to work by themselves and do things your own way, every time, then well, teaching is NOT for you, and it would be a dishonor and a disgrace to become one and do that to the children in this world. But here, with the cultural and language barrier, open communication is beyond difficult and it kills me that I feel like I should be doing more, accomplishing more,with my job here.

This job is a hard one and I feel like lately, I've just been getting by. Barely making a difference, barely reaching these kids, barely making an impact. I really do mean it when I say I envy my friends who come from no teaching experience.

I miss my niece terribly who will be 12 months old in four days.

I miss my family, who will be welcoming our 14th first cousin any day now.

I hate that I won't be there to pick up my brother from his freshman year of college. 

I miss the comfort of my home.

I miss my friends who are driving hours, flying across the country, reuniting in 2 days for our college's end of the year bar crawl.

I feel guilty I'm missing my brother's last few months of high school and everything exciting that goes along with it. 

I miss my mother the most. She is my best friend, my confidant, my inspiration, and some days it kills me to be so far away from her. 

Let's just say this day ended in a glass of white wine and an undisclosed number of Ferrero Rochers.

In the words of Annie:

"The sun will come out tomorrow, Bet ya bottom dollar that tomorrow. There will be sun."