The Past Seven Months..

As I sit here on my couch back in New York, I have the sudden urge to do something with my evening other than watching the news, which has recently become too unnerving to turn on. It is September 11, 2014.. 13 years after the 9/11 attacks. Isis has been threatening our country, our people, and our peace of mind. I had a very vivid and frightening dream last night where Isis had flown and crashed one of the stolen Libyan planes right on my school's property. I watched the entire thing through the window of a classroom.

As terrifying and alarming as that dream might have been.. it was the first dream in 4 consecutive days that I did not dream about my ex-boyfriend..

So I sit here, writing my first blog entry in seven months. I feel like there is so much that has gone on in my life.. and that's quite the understatement. I don't quite know where to begin.. but we can start with my family.

Six months ago, after two years of being away in Korea, I made my way back to New York. I met my niece, Eve, for the first time, who at the time was only 3 months old. She could barely hold her head up, and now she is almost 9 months old, crawling, pulling herself up on everything, getting her hands on everything in sight, and smiling, laughing, and making our days brighter. Emma, who I skyped with constantly while I was in Korea.. has become such a light in my life. She is bright, funny, polite, and is growing up so fast. These girls are growing up in a very non-traditional setting, but our family, including their wonderful mother, are doing everything we can to shield them from the things going on around them, and to make sure they know they are loved, cared for, and protected.

The very first morning after returning home, and moments after meeting Eve.

In the last month or two, our family has gone through hell. Not going to sugar coat that. Alcoholism has once again presented itself. along with hardcore drug addiction. Very recently, my family member grew the strength to admit to their addictions and took the first steps necessary. With the help of another family member, he chose to better himself, and get the help he needs. It's going to be a very long and hard road. Each day will bring something different. There were some nights there where I didn't know what the end result would be, what the end of the night would bring.. Now, I can say with complete and total confidence, that my younger brothers and I have dealt with things in a way that proves strength in us all.. We have grown, thanks to our wonderful mother, to be able to handle ANYTHING.. as long as we use each other and lean on each other. I am so grateful for each of my brothers. We show compassion and love, even in the darkest of nights. And all I keep thinking is how lucky these girls are to grow up in a family like ours. And how lucky my brothers and I are, to have had a mother who sheltered us in the way that she did and to have taught us what she did.

On to my job status..
Back in May, I scored a 6-week 4th grade leave replacement position. I had the time of my life, despite the serious needs and behavioral issues in my class. I learned SO much, and that aided me in interviews throughout the summer, with the knowledge that I so quickly acquired during that time.

Over the summer, I worked at my district's summer enrichment camp. There, I taught a writing and creative technology class to some of the most gracious and eager students I had ever had the pleasure of teaching. I also worked alongside a group of teachers that were simply AMAZING. We spent each break talking about job searching techniques, interviewing advice, and Orange is the New Black of course..

Like I said, I had a few interviews over the summer with NYC DOE, but clearly nothing came of that. I am grateful to have scored a full time 1:1 Teacher's Assistant position in my own district. I work with a student with autism. I work with an amazing Special Education teacher, who has taught me more than I thought I could learn in just the past two weeks. Each day I am challenged and kept on my toes.. which is what teaching is all about.

I have already had two weeks of grad school, and I love every minute of it.. I say that now.. but I'll admit receiving the syllabi made me immediately anxious. I really did miss being in a classroom, meeting new people who have the same interests as me, and learning more about the field I am in. My professors are incredible. Smart-asses.. which makes late night classes that much more fun and manageable.

I visited Boston with my best friend! It was a girls weekend.. something we both really needed. I can't even begin to explain how nice it is to finally be home with her. Oh how I missed you Brit! Though we are grandmas with way more responsibilities and no more 21-yr-old bounce-back, closing out our usual bar every Thursday night.. we can, if we want, still have a damn good time!

The boy. This last part is what really made me sit down and decide to start writing tonight. Writing has always been.. and I know will always continue to be.. the way I deal with my emotions. I have a hard time talking about things and making myself the center of attention with people listening to me. I have always been uncomfortable with that. And so writing became my out; my way of not bottling things up and blowing up. I am also aware that writing on here is public, and our relationship is private, as it should be.. so I will just scratch the surface with this one, as I always have when it comes to us. Orlando and I had an amazing few months once I came home, but the stresses of our daily lives, learning how to live and be with each other in each other's presence and not through a phone or computer screen proved challenging. We knew it would be, but we weren't ready for the extent of it. I think this goes for many relationships that start out long-distance. My mother said something that resonated with me.. that while in Korea, our daily lives did not affect each other as much as it does here. The most we really had to sacrifice was waking up or going to sleep late in order to make Skype dates. Orlando and I learned about each other's values, morals, dreams, and fears very early on. We quickly realized that we had something there that was just...right. And in his words, the feelings that we had for each other "don't happen often for people." We made each other grow in ways we never thought we were capable of. He made me believe love is real. We both thought we knew what love was before we met.. we both thought we had loved before. We were wrong. Us. This. We could never really explain our love for each other. We'd get tongue tied. That's how we knew. I learned (slowly) how to let go of some things, how to allow a man to protect me and make me feel safe and wanted. The thing is, once we came home.. real, daily stresses began to creep back into our lives. I had to settle back into my life here in the States. For people who have never lived abroad for an extended period of time.. will never know what that feels like. And that's okay. It's expected with an expat. Any expat who comes home and expects people in their old life to understand what they're going through, is a fool. But the fact that my friends who DID know what I was feeling, lived so far away, was difficult. It continues to be. Which is why when I couldn't talk to them, I turned to articles and blogs about reverse culture shock and how to best deal with it. But for me.. I had this relationship to focus on as well as deal with all of those changes and hardships on coming home. Couples disagree, couples argue, couples give each other space so that they can take some time to figure out exactly what they want. There are two people in a relationship, and both of these people need to be strong, be satisfied with their own lives, and know what they want.. before they can give their significant other the time, devotion, and love they deserve.

Relationships. They're hard. They're a lot of work. Nothing in life comes easy, and no matter how much you love the person you're with, no matter how right you are for that person.. you both need to continue to work on it. But you can't forget your individual dreams. You can't let those slide away because they're what make you, you. It's taking me a while, but I'm trying to stick to the fact that you need to be strong yourself before you can be strong with someone else. You need to know what YOU want, before you can share it with someone else.

I will never forget what my Aunt Ashley said to me one day a few years back. "No one knows what goes on in your relationship behind closed doors." She's right. People will always judge and have their opinions, but at the end of the day, behind that door.. it's YOU and HIM. That's it. You are the only two who can work on your relationship and build it back up when it falls. She also said, "in a relationship, you need to both be willing to change and grow together." If you're not willing to do that, it won't work. This new point in my life is heartbreaking and devastating, and it's about all I can do each day to get up, get myself to work where I can greet my students who put a smile on my face. A sincere one. Although it was pertaining to work, I believe it's going to help me in dealing with my not being with Orlando anymore.. My wise Aunt Therese said the other day, "Sometimes one day at a time needs to be broken up into hours, or even minutes."

I miss my life in Korea. I miss the ease of traveling. I miss my friends. I miss being able to walk up a hill to their apartment. I miss meeting them at a coffee shop downtown. I miss their accents, their culture, their personalities, the wine nights. I miss Daegu, Seoul, and Busan, meeting people from all different walks of life, each with their own story of how they came to be in this country. I miss singing my heart out at open mics every month. I even miss the troubles and the frustrations, because it just brings me back to the fact that wow... look what I did. Look what I accomplished. You come back home after being abroad, and reality hits that everyone kept on living their lives. Friends finished their masters, got engaged, married, had kids, bought houses, have mortgages. Well, good for them. That's their path. But I am far from those things. I'm glad I don't have a mortgage at 25 or a ring on my finger. Those things can wait.. We're still so young.

I.. I had experiences that no one can ever take away from me. And I am grateful for every one of them.

  

Finish Each Day And Be Done With It..

I have really been slacking with this blog, so I apologize. But I'm sitting down today with my hot cup of Dunkin coffee and the two donuts I probably shouldn't have just consumed after a hardcore leg day at the gym. I don't even like donuts. No, that's not a joke. Therefore my body is craving carbs.. (clearly not the good kind.) To be fair I did have some awesome Zucchini Protein Pancakes and a Stuffed Kabocha Squash with black beans and other goodness.

Anyway, I'm about to be interrupted by Lloyd, for we are buying our tickets to Cambodia/Thailand today! Finally got the go-ahead from my Vice Principal after nagging my co-teachers every day for the past two weeks. "Make sure you ask him for permission when he gets back from his business meeting (which yes, lasted two weeks.) I need to buy my tickets!" They pulled through in the end. Thank goodness. I'm not made of money people.

So, this post is basically going to be treated like a diary. Maybe because writing about it in my personal journal is not good enough like it usually is. Or maybe the thought that it's out in the public and I feel like I'm really sharing my emotions with people (even if only a handful of people read this) will help me. Either way, I'm about to share a whole lot of info that I rarely share with people, but I'm hoping it will help me get through these next few months. Thank you Orlando- for making me slooooowly open up about my emotions. Yeah.. I'm one of those. 

First off, let's go back in time and get in to what I have been up to for the past three months. After Thailand it was back to work, back to the kids, and the awaiting of the boy. Autumn crept in slowly but surely, and was gone in an instant. That's Korea for ya. Summer and Winter are extreme and last FOREVER. Spring and Autumn.. well you barely say hello to them before they vanish. I admit, this country in the autumn is beautiful. New York takes the prize, but Korea deserves a definite spot. Not a lot happened in September.. it was the usual getting back into work mode and coming to reality that I was no longer on vacation on a tropical island. 

October hit and man did time slow down. Orlando arrived on the 12th, and those next two weeks were absolutely perfect. We spent a good amount of time in Seoul. Spent a night in Daegu celebrating my birthday with some friends. I had to work during this time, minus the two days I played some hookey. Shh. So we made the best out of it and I was able to get in most of what I wanted him to see and experience. He knows this, but I am forever grateful that he was able to make this trip. We're both beyond lucky we found each other. We share a mutual love for traveling, and that's something that we have promised each other we will continue. Already making plans..  So skip the whole leaving him at the airport scene, because I never want to go through that one ever again.. He's home safe, and we're getting through the next three months.. some how. But we are.

That was a little over a month ago, and here we are.. late November. Thanksgiving is in three days, which means it's the beginning of the holiday season. And for expats that means homesickness at its finest. Last year was tough but this year I was prepared. It's cold; you want to cuddle up in your home with some hot chocolate. Your family is constantly around. There's good food to be eaten, laughs and stories to be had. It's a magical time. A time to reconnect with the ones you love. When you are not near any of that.. it hurts. It's tough.


Now for the deep stuff..
I've been going through a bit of a mini-depression if we must call it that. Over the past month I have lost interest in things that once interested me. I have distanced myself from my friends here. My typical day is something like this.. I go to work until 4:30. I head straight to the gym for an hour and a half.By the time I get home it's around 7pm. I make dinner and I sit down to at least two episodes of Breaking Bad (Yes, I'm a little late on that train. And yes, I'm addicted.) I go to sleep and do it all over again. I rarely talk to anyone throughout the day. I bail on plans. I avoid coffee shops where I think I will see people. This is not me. And it's starting to really take a toll on me. 

There are some underlying problems that I know I'm going through. In the beginning of this post I felt I could open up about them in detail, but I changed my mind on that. So I'll just give you the general issues going on that are making me pull away from everyone and everything here in Korea. (Exception: #1. I feel as though this one needs some serious ventilation so I don't blow.)

1. I have become obsessed with clean-eating. I have always had an unhealthy relationship with food (Let's just be real.. I've always had a fucked up relationship with food.) The guilt I feel after I treat myself to something or give in to something my body is clearly craving, is really starting to get to me. These past two weeks I've been reading blog after blog on ways to deal with food guilt and enjoying everything you consume. That is what's behind guilt-free eating. When you enjoy what you are putting into your body, everything you are putting into your body, you won't have the guilt when you treat yourself to something "un-clean."

Orthorexia. The name Physician Steven Bratman came up with, for people who simply have an obsession for healthy eating. They are preoccupied with eating the cleanest, purest, healthiest (aka "clean") foods, and avoiding anything artificial or "toxic." Officially classifying this as an eating disorder is controversial. Orthorexia Nervosa does not appear in the DSM-IV as are anorexia and bulimia. Opponents wonder "Since when did choosing a lifestyle that eliminates junk food become a disease?"

Personally I really don't know where I stand on this matter. I'm coming from my experiences over the past few months. I came back to Korea wanting to better myself. My first year here I let myself go.. badly. I knew I wanted to get back into the shape I was in before I left for this country. I did that.. and I went beyond it. I researched hours upon hours of recipes, articles, blogs, and workouts. I do HIIT workouts 4-5 times a week. I weight lift 6 days a week. I spend ridiculous amounts of money on clean foods on iherb that are not found here in Korea. I realized the other day i have been basically eating like a vegan 75% of the time over the past 9 months.

This is basically what my kitchen contains:
quinoa
oats (steel-cut and old fashioned)
legumes (kidney beans, black beans, mung beans, lentils)
dark greens (spinach, kale)
veggies (zucchini, squash, pumpkin, eggplant, carrots)
fruit (whatever is in season.. but always bananas and apples)
almond milk
chia seed
flax seed
isolate whey protein powder
raw natural almond butter/peanut butter
yellow mustard (the one condiment I allow myself.)
I just ordered nutritional yeast. which I'm really excited about.

Vegan much?

Now you may think, okay this is a normal clean-eating lifestyle. Yes, it is. I am educated. I eat my 5 small meals a day. I fuel my body pre and post- workout. I know I'm eating clean. So yes.. this is a normal clean lifestyle.

Except for one problem.. and that's my complete inability to have something the LEAST bit "unclean" and not feel like complete and utter shit.

• It's my inability to go to a weekly "Girl's Night" with my friends and have a piece of damn bread with the soup they made. It's my inability to BUY bread myself. (Now.. Korea has no such thing as ezekiel or whole wheat so I'm trying to not make this a major point.)
• It's my inability to have one of their meals because although it has nice lean chicken and veggies, they put some kind of sauce in it or a little salt that upped the sodium to a level I can't consciously eat.
• It's having chips and salsa at a South African braai and wanting to take it all back because even though it was about 5 chips total and no more than 2 tablespoons of salsa.. it came from a jar full of sodium, preservatives and other crap that my body doesn't need. It's the fact that I'm yelling inside, "Why couldn't you just cut up some tomatoes, onions etc, added some spices and call it a day. Perfectly clean salsa right there.
• No. it doesn't matter that it's a special occasion. Do I buy this stuff myself. No. Do I have it every day? No.
• Do I bake delicious carrot cakes for myself every day? No. So can I enjoy the piece cut for me for my birthday, made by one of my best friends, a pastry chef? No, I can't. It's absolutely delicious. I'll eat it of course. I will savor every bite. But every time I swallow, I'm thinking what the hell did I just do that for?

It's exhausting. It is so mentally draining. I have been dealing with food issues since I was in 6th grade. 11 years old. I'm 24. I know who I am. I'm not that insecure little pre-teen anymore. Enough is enough.
I am so terrified of slipping and going back to how I was. Was I overweight? Absolutely not. Did I eat crap all day? No. I've always been health conscious; made healthy choices; had an active lifestyle. But I was nowhere near as disciplined as I am now. I am both afraid and excited for home. I will have access to foods and supplements that I do not have access to here. There are so many recipes I want to try. But I am also going home to bars, late night food, foods I've missed, a much MUCH busier schedule (which means getting to the gym or Bikram will be much more of a feat), larger restaurant portions, friends who don't share the same lifestyle I do.

I'm hoping the knowledge and the discipline I have now will carry over.
I'm hoping the guilt and the obsessiveness do not.


So after all of the blogs I've been reading on people who have been through the same thing I'm currently going through... It all comes down to.. Enjoy your food.
That way when a big craving strikes..
1. You won't over-indulge or binge.
2. You will enjoy it instead of feeling guilt.
Really take a look at your lifestyle.
You're not an idiot.
You know you're eating the cleanest foods you can find.
You ARE making good choices.
You're making substitutions everywhere you know you can. Yes, I make chickpea chocolate chip cookies. Yes I make protein powder syrup for my pancakes. Yes, I never eat red meat at home. Yes I make "flax eggs." Yes I use nutritional yeast as cheese. Yes I use Greek yogurt for every creamy ingredient that comes along. Yes I only use coconut oil.
You look great.
You're getting your ass to the gym.
You're educated.
You've done the research.
You CAN indulge a little bit. You're allowed to.
You're allowed to eat that piece of bread. You're allowed to have an extra tablespoon of peanut butter once in a while. You can try your friend's new recipe.

You over-indulge. Fine. You say, "Okay. that happened. It's done. It's over. Tomorrow is a fresh new start."

Only you know your own body. Listen to it. Give it what it wants. Cut it some slack once in a while.

"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered  with your old nonsense." -Ralph Waldo Emerson  


Back to my list..

2. My dad. We haven't spoken in years. I guess he always pops into my head around the holidays. Reality hits like a tsunami. I realize that he is completely out of my life.

3. My brothers. One in particular is going through some stuff and all I want to do is be there for him. Around him. Helping him.. trying to at least. As much as he'll let me.

4. The holidays. Korea's Christmas is almost non-existent. I want to be near my family. I have a family of friends here and I'm thankful. But I need my family.

5. New family. I am expecting a new niece or nephew any day now. My new cousin was just born.

6. My other half. I am in love with this incredible man who makes me become the best version of myself. We have had to say goodbye for months at a time- twice now. We have seen each other in 2 and 3 week increments. When I come home, I will be home for good. No more goodbyes like that. No more countdowns. No more skype. No more dropped calls. The anticipation of all of that is killing me. It's killing us. But we've proved long distance works. And this thing is lasting. 

Orlando and my mother told me the exact same things. They were just the right amount of harsh. I needed that. Badly. I need to get back to the mindset I was in when I first came to Korea. The mindset where excitement and new experiences covered the fact that I was away from home. I need to do the things and see the things I've yet to experience here in Korea before I leave. Because the reality is... in exactly 3 months and 2 days, I will be boarding a flight to the States where all of this will be mere memories. I want them to be great memories. And the truth is... I WILL miss this place. I will miss this point in my life. I need to be present-minded. I need to continue to take it in. I need this time. I need to savor it. My mom is right... I don't want to look back at my last few months and see myself giving up; throwing in the towel way too early. There are too many things I've yet to see. Yet to do. 

So I've made some goals for myself. Some personal gains I need to make. Some personal changes I need to make in my life. By the end of this I will have spent two years of my life here. 24 months in this beautiful, crazy, country they call South Korea. I've said it before, and I will say it again.. I am BEYOND grateful for my life here. My friends, my co-teachers, my students. This country, this experience has changed me in more ways than I knew. It's made me open up to find out who I really am. And you know what, I realized that a big part of who I am is my family. I am very close to them. And that's not a bad thing. Is it affecting my time here? Absolutely it is. In a bad way? Not in the slightest. It's just a fact. I've always had their support. And I continue to have it. Am I adaptable as I thought I was? I've realized it varies greatly on the situation. I went on a solo trip to a foreign country. I did a two-day trek through a village where almost every resource we were used to was taken away. I pushed my body and mind to go through the extremes. I have encountered so much here. Every expat does. We go through times of struggle, heartbreak, homesickness, culture-shock, and doubt. It all comes back to that one thought.. I am in ________!!! For me, I am in Korea!!! I moved here, knowing not a soul. I made friends who are now my family. I made connections that will last me a lifetime. The connections you make while traveling are incomparable. They are full of depth, culture, differences, and interest. I am thankful for every single on of those connections, no matter how big or small.

The life of an expat. They don't prepare you for these feelings towards the end. There are SO many feelings. They can be confusing, exciting, and just overall crazy.

"Be comfortable being uncomfortable. It may get tough, but it's a small price to pay for living a dream." - Peter McWilliams

Heartbreaking Day

I woke up this morning to personal heartbreak and I went into school insisting that I have a good day despite it. These kids deserve that. I've said it before and I'll say it again. Teaching is one of those jobs where your personal matters should never enter that classroom. Of course your students should see you emotional at times; it lets them know their teacher is still human. But there is a point where your personal life needs to be left at that door, and that's what I did today. As I looked into the 25 eyes of my first 4th grade class, it was affirmed yet again how naive and innocent children are. Most of them don't know heartbreak, death, abuse, stress, etc. All they have to do is go to school, play with their friends, enjoy their family, and play some games.

We all know that key word "most" is a crucial word in explaining this. Some kids absolutely do know mature emotions. It's unfortunate. In this case I'm going to talk about neglect.

My second 4th grade class includes one special education student. He is behaviorally challenged and has no services at school or at home. He comes to class day after day, prepared with his book and pencil case, but will not open the book and will not take out a pencil. His partner will eventually do this for him if I don't get there first. What kills me is his facial expression. I have never once seen him smile, smirk, or laugh. His eyebrows are in a constant furrow and his lips in a frown. This seems exaggerated but I wouldn't be writing it if it was. It's almost as if I want to dress up in a clown costume, do a stupid dance and make a fool of myself all to get the tiniest ounce of happiness out of this kid. His eyes are so sad and his body language kills me everyday he walks into that classroom.

I realize I'm going to explain this like it's out of a scene of a movie... but that's how I write long stories like this one.. so deal with it.

Today I realized this student wasn't writing anything, so I went over and tried to get him to copy out of his partner's book. When I asked for his pencil, he hid it behind his back and wouldn't budge. I decided to leave it be. Next was a fun English game where they needed to flick an eraser and state the sentence where it landed. I asked his partner if he had an eraser. He said no, so I reached for the boy's eraser which was sitting on his desk. He slammed down his hand and wouldn't let me have it. I gave his partner my eraser and told him to play with the team in front of him. I thought the boy would see how much fun the game was and involve himself. Plan backfired. Instead, he started pushing the chair in front of him with his feet, which happened to have a classmate sitting in it. This classmate was now getting squished between his chair and desk. He asked the boy kindly to stop.
*Since teaching here, I've realized Korean children are very good at problem solving. (I'm pretty sure I've mentioned this before in another entry.) Unlike children back home, they can discuss their disagreements and issues without a teacher's help. They are quite the independent children*
Knowing this, I watched the situation unfold from from afar, keeping a keen eye. Once I realized it wasn't working and the student was now in pain from getting too far squished, I quietly went over and asked the student if he wanted to move his seat so he wouldn't get hurt, and he did. I thought this would stop the boy, but he then continued on to push the now empty desk into the one in front of that, which of course had a girl sitting in it. She began to cry out because she was now the one trapped in between her chair and desk
*Koreans are very physical. In school, students hit, smack, and punch each other left and right. In this culture, it's not perceived like it is in the West. I've wrote about this multiple times on how I've accepted it because it's usually all in good fun. It is half my classroom however so  I reprimand the act every time I see it, but of course it means nothing if the the next time the Korean teacher is laughing about it and turning it into a joke. (This is something I've just accepted, because I can't be bothered worrying about it anymore.)*
However, this situation was starting to get entirely out of control, so I used my best educated judgement to take action. I may be the Native Teacher but I am still a teacher in that classroom, and this girl was now crying out, clenching her back and yelling at him to stop. I went over, picked up the desk right behind her that was pushing into her and slammed it down. I then took it along with the chair and swung it around to lean it against the wall, so that he now had a huge empty space in front of him with nothing to push. There was 3 minutes left of class, but of course all of the students went silent and looked over to see what had just happened. My CT and I directed their attention back to their work but the sound of this boy's now stomping feet were distracting. Both of us ignored him and when class ended, 2/3 of the students went and hovered around the boy. Of course that just worked him up even more. The stomping got louder and he was now flailing his arms telling them to go away. I looked up at my CT and told her, "They're making it worse by standing there.." She nodded her head and then left the room. I thought she had gone to fetch their homeroom teacher. No... I found out 2 minutes later that she was casually walking back from the bathroom. After she left the room, I quietly tried to control the situation and ask the students to leave the classroom. Most of them did except a select few boys who stayed with the boy and tried to calm him down. He was now really moving and getting violent. This is only my second year of teaching, on top of not speaking these kids' language and coming from a completely different culture...I used every bit of knowledge that I had. Do I run and get his homeroom teacher or do I stay with them so that he doesn't injure himself or anyone else? I decided to quickly run and get the homeroom teacher. As she walked back to the classroom with me, I witnessed the boy being dragged out into the hallway on his chair. Yeah... this is how his classmates decided to go about the situation. Bless their hearts. As we got closer, the boy rose up and started violently hitting the other kids. Complete breakdown time. This is when I saw my CT walking back from the bathroom, expressionless. Not a bother in the world. I made the rest of the students in the hallway leave, and my next class who were all hanging out the doorway watching, to get back inside. The homeroom teacher and the school secretary, who happened to be on our floor, were now there so I gathered that it was my time to leave.

Before class started, I talked quickly to my CT about it. I asked her if he has some kind of services here. She went on to say that "No. His father does not want him in a 'special school.' In Korea, if your child is special and gets services, it means your child is low and that doesn't look good for the parents. I know in America, things are different." I finally got the facial expressions I was looking for.. she felt somewhat sorry for the boy. I don't know if it was quite empathy, but at least it was some sort of sympathy. Despite the fumes coming out of me, I, politely as I could,  said, "It's such a shame because it is SO SIMPLE to educate him and make him happy with the right services." Neglect. His father is neglectful. He, along with these other parents who are keeping their children in classrooms without the proper resources, are neglectful. And it is so wrong. This happens all over the world. I'm no longer just talking about Korea. We teachers, we see it all the time. And it breaks our hearts. She told me we need to ignore him (I could'v'e put a 10k bet on that response.) I told her that I did ignore the situation in the beginning but when the other students clearly started getting hurt, I needed to do something. She said I did everything right, which I'm having a hard time believing she fully meant, but I'll take it. I'm living in the culture of "saving face" and not wanting to be confrontational because that is seen as embarrassing.

I now had a class to teach and had to forget about all of this for the next 40 minutes. 30 minutes of that class consisted of me talking over the screaming from this boy coming from the hallway right outside our classroom. It was a bloody murder type scream. You know those kinds. What was unbearable, was not the screech and the volume themselves, but the fact that I felt completely and utterly helpless. I do not speak this kid's language. I see him twice a week for a total of 80 minutes. The help, the hug, the love, and the SAFETY I wanted to give this boy... I couldn't do it. Telling him it's okay, to calm down, and to give him the reassurance that I truly care about his well-being, his safety, and his education..were all things I just could not do. Instead I had to teach these 25 kids in front of me while listening to my student cry bloody murder 20 feet from me.

Later in the day, was a teacher's activities hour, which consisted of volleyball and a packed table of food and alcohol. This student's homeroom teacher was going on and on about what had happened. Very animated with her body. She put a hand on my shoulder and told me she was sorry and gave me a sympathetic smile. Teacher after teacher came up to me saying, "Sorry." "Oh, were you surprised?" I answered truthfully, "No. I was not surprised." It's as if everyone felt bad that the poor Native Teacher had to witness this in her class. I kept a smile on and tried not to make any sarcastic, rude remarks. I had just had it. I was ready to go home.

I started writing this entry yesterday.. so I'll continue on about what happened today. The homeroom teacher and the student came to my classroom about two hours ago and he apologized directly to me in Korean and in English. Honestly, I tried to look away because I felt tears coming. I must have told him at least 4 times in Korean, "thank you" and, "it's okay." I gave him a huge hug and I could have sworn I saw the tiniest smile form on his face. I hope that this is the breaking point for him in my class. I hope he sees that I am someone in his life who cares about him. From what I've seen, I'm not sure he has too many of them.




I know Korea is behind many countries. The country itself is only 60+ years old. As a friend said, they have a lot of growing to do. They have come so far in such a short amount of time. They went from being one of the poorest countries in the world who received international aid, to a country who can now afford to give it out... in just 60 years. It's quite amazing. But despite their advanced technology and fast-growing economy, they still have a long way to go. Their education system needs new ideas and resources. I hope this is where foreign teachers come in. If we can somehow make an impression on these teachers and administrators to realize that something needs to be done in terms of special education, then I believe we've come one step further to full acceptance of all people in this country.

Month 16: Update

I feel like a slacker. I apologize that I haven't updated this in a few months.. I guess nothing extra special has happened, but little things are worth mentioning. So here's a quick update as to what I've been up to...

Cherry Blossoms:

The Spring Cherry blossoms have come and gone yet again. They're only in bloom for about two weeks and then they sadly disappear. It's one of my favorite times in Korea. The weather starts to change and the streets become a winter wonderland full these beautiful flowers. We attended the festival and ate some necessary fried street food.

Andong Orphange:

I started volunteering at the local orphange here in my city, where I teach five middle and high school students. They are an absolute joy to teach. All of them are full of life and very eager to learn. There are six foreign teachers and a few lovely Korean university students who pair up with us. It was my turn two weeks ago, and the students were great! My friend Scott was grand and accompanied me on Monday, because there were no Koreans available. Then on Thursday I headed there by my lonesome, and had a great old time with them. I brought along LCR (greatest gambling game ever. If you don't know what it is, you need to get on that. It often comes out at many of my family functions.. Yes, I was introduced to gambling by my family at the age of 8.) Anyway, I use it a lot in the classroom. Instead of gambling with money, I use it to study  English expressions in unique ways. These kids are great, and it's very comforting and satisfying to know I'm helping to build their English language skills. This will aid them tremendously.

10K:

I ran my third 10K last month. Cut time off my last race. And didn't stop ONCE! EXCITING! A bunch of my friends ran the 5K. Saw some of my students and my school's vice principal. An all-around great day =)

Suzanne, Lisa, and me

Bull-Fighting:

Last month I headed down to Cheongdo, a small city, outside of Daegu- famous for two things and two things only. Bulls and Persimmon. So, two friends and I headed to the famous Bull-fighting festival to see what it was all about. Personally, I've never been to any kind of bull-fight so all I had to go on was what I've seen and heard about Spanish bull fights. It was definitely not as exciting as all that. I admit that it was actually quite boring. The worst part was probably how much time draggggged on between fights. It took them forever to bring out the next pair of bulls. To top it off it was actually frigid that day, so we didn't stay too late. My friend Angel bet on a bull and won- that part was exciting! haha After that, we headed on over to the famous Wine Tunnel where we bought ourselves a bottle of Persimmon wine (the only wine for sale.) Leave it to the foreigners to not think twice about buying an entire bottle. (Every Korean had gotten themselves a single tiny glass for themselves.) We also bought a thing of Brie.. which was delicious. I always forget how much I miss cheese. I practically NEVER get cheese in this country. The good cheese is off the charts expensive, so it's a true treat.

Field Trip:

I recently went on a field trip with my fourth graders to Gumi, a city about 90 minutes away. I was  very surprised that it was not a hike. Every field trip I've been on so far involved a hike (which is great and active but noticeably a bit boring for the students after a while.) This trip was a nice change. They started out at a gorgeous park where they had a tour guide who lead them through fields of flowers and pointed out the various species of trees. Students each had a small notebook where they had to jot down notes on each leaf and flower. After, we had a picnic and then headed to Gumo Land (a small amusement park.) Yes, I went on one of the rides.. pictured below. It was actually a bit eerie. No one else was there except for our school, so it was like a set-up for a creepy horror movie. Ghost town.

Cheongryangsan Part II:

Probably the most difficult hike in Andong is the famous Sky Bridge hike. I hiked it last year so I decided to give it another go.

Me, Jay, Natascha, and Lisa

Decorated for Buddha's Birthday

Me, Lisa, and Natascha

Principal's Art Exhibit:

A few weeks ago I was asked to help my principal write the English translation to his resume/professional background which was going in the back of his new published art book. I had no idea this man was such a talented artist.

My principal is the one in the blue tie to the woman's left.

Last Friday evening he had the opening ceremony of his art exhibit, which I gladly attended. A good amount of the staff from school were there as well as other admirers and fans. They had food and a ribbon cutting ceremony- It was a nice hour of Korean culture and conversing.

Gangnam, Seoul:

Simon, Emer, Conor, Ariel, me and Marc

I made it to Seoul last weekend. Boy did I miss that city. This is the first time I actually spent time in Gangnam and didn't stop by. I once had breakfast there at Butterfingers, but I don't count that. It was literally just to get our western-breakfast fix on and then we were out. I met up with a few friends I haven't seen since February. Relaxed at Rainbow Bar, a fun, laid back hookah bar, where we listened to some great live music (video below). We then made our way around the streets of Gangnam where I gave in and indulged in the greasiest, most delicious burger I've had thus far in Korea. Complete with rice cakes in the meat? Why of course! Don't act surprised.. this is still Korea haha. Somehow we made it to Itaewon where we finished our night.

Met up with Tom the next day, with our new 8,000won rip off Ray Bans, and had...

Greek food!!! I've missed it sooo much! This was at Santorini in Itaewon

Here, we met two Finnish guys who were not our favorite people. Let's just say they were rippping America and Americans apart. My fiend Ariel and I did not hold back when it came to defending our country and our people. Now when it comes to American expats... I have no doubt that everyone of us has gotten some sort of criticism, vulgar smart-ass comment, and/or stereotype. What you choose to do with these situations says a lot about you and what you stand for. 

I mean let's face it. We don't have a lot of fans. A lot of the world does hates us. We credit this to movies, bad television, and our government's need to butt into everyone else's business. Having spent a month in New Zealand, traveled to Japan, Taiwan, and called Korea a home for 16 months, I am automatically a victim of this... just because I'm American. Even if it's as little as, "Where are you from?" "The States." "Hmmm American huh?" *the judgy look*. I can't count how many times that has happened to me. Whether it's followed by a laugh and a "just kidding." or a full on conversation as to why the guy doesn't like America and/or Americans. It's not a fun feeling. It's not comfortable.

I am stubborn as hell.. thank you mom. hehe. I stand my ground and I will make my voice be heard if I feel I am being judged or attacked. However, living abroad has taught me that as much as we travelers are all very tolerant, approachable people, you will still come across ones who have their opinions and won't open their mind to anyone who differs. These are the times I stop talking and walk away. And that's exactly what I eventually did to the Finnish in Itaewon.. We agreed on two things: First of all, yes, our government needs to back off other countries and let them try to work things out on their own. Many of them are fully capable. End of story. Secondly yes there are some Americans out there who give us a bad name. They are obnoxious, arrogant, and unable to judge a situation and act appropriately. I have seen this time and time again living here. Everyone knows the types of people I'm talking about. The ones you are embarrassed to be standing in the same room with. The ones you actually take pity on. I am blessed to know and be friends with people from various countries and backgrounds as well as Americans who are pleasant, open-minded, and can absolutely take a situation and adapt to it. As we explained to these two guys... yes, there are Americans like this out there, but that's not where it ends.
It doesn't have to become your problem. You don't enjoy someones company, you walk away.  Simple. These guys were so set on, "America this, Americans that..." You could see our words literally going in one ear and out through the other. It was a waste of time. The shaking of their heads and the dirty looks, and vulgar comments were enough to make us get the hell out of there.

This upcoming weekend is good old Buddha's Birthday.. which means a 3-day weekend for Korea. I have a Culture Trip organized through EPIK on the following Monday-Wednesday. So I have 6 day weekend coming up and I couldn't be more excited. Busan, Geoje-do, and Dok-do. I'll be posting an entry on that soon after. =)

How To Keep a Healthy Lifestyle In SoKo

WARNING: You WILL be hungry after reading this entry:

Moving to a foreign country will absolutely test your body, your willpower, and your drive to keep the lifestyle you deserve. When I came to Korea 14 months ago, I was at my healthiest. Bikram yoga became my life. Talk to anyone who regularly practices Bikram.. they'll tell you it IS a lifestyle. I was in that studio 4-5 days/week. I have always been a health-conscious eater, so nothing new there. However a few months into my life in Korea I was quite noticeably gaining some weight. At first I didn't understand what it was. I stayed away from the white rice the second I stepped foot in this country. I wasn't overeating. I was being semi-active, though no where near when I was at home. I had worked so hard for the past year on reshaping my body, so it took an emotional toll. What I realized is that it was a combination of many things including, the lack of Bikram and less active lifestyle in general, the alcohol consumption similar to that of my freshman year of college, the salty Korean food, the bakeries on every corner, the coffee, and the change of environment and the stress that comes along with it.

Some advice on staying healthy in Korea

1. Stop eating the school lunches.

    Or at least cut back. Yes, they are absolutely delicious. Yes, it's a great money and time saver, cutting back on food prep on your part. Yes, it's going to be somewhat of an internal struggle on the whole is this the "culturally appropriate" thing to do thing. In Korean schools, everyone (teachers and students) eat the school lunch and it is the time of day where the school community is brought together. However, your lunch at school alone will most likely exceed your daily salt intake. This is what I didn't realize until way later. That red pepper paste is filled with salt, and boy do those Koreans LOVE their red pepper paste. It's in soup, tofu, noodles, chicken, pork, veggies, and yes... even broccoli. Their meat is not lean, so you're going to get the fat in all its glory when you're served beef and pork. Most of their chicken is fried and/or breaded. The majority of the soups contain a good amount of oil, and the white rice.. well that speaks for itself. On some days your tray will contain noodles, rice, rice cakes, and a mini fruit filled croissant all in the same meal. Talk about carb and starch overload. So, this is where you should start. This is an entire meal- You are in charge of your own body and what goes into it.

*The only problem here is the culture aspect. It is considered rude to not eat with your co-teachers at school. Most will find it offensive. Some schools let teachers serve themselves (which helps with portion control. My school however- we are served by the lunch ladies, so even though I am constantly, kindly, telling them "jogeum juseyo" ("please give me a little") it is still hard for them to understand why I am wanting so little food. I admit I have yet to tell my school I am not eating their lunch anymore. Every time I go and try to tell them, I get anxiety and can't go through with it for this exact cultural reason. What I do do, is kindly refuse the rice (I mean I don't eat it anyway so why waste it), and choose very carefully what I eat. I waste a lot of food, but until I can decide to tell them I am no longer eating their lunches, this is okay with me for now. If you go this route- make sure you're bringing something for protein to school. I personally bring either hard boiled eggs, baked or boiled sweet potato, and/or nuts. **A piece of advice, Koreans know what "diet" means. Even though you're not dieting, you're living a healthy lifestyle, if you are getting looks and comments from co-workers as to why you're not eating certain things, just say "Moshisoyo! But I am on a diet." Personally, I've done the whole "Moshisoyo!! But makes me fat." Followed by a sad face and bringing my hand to my stomach and making a fat gesture. They'll laugh, and continue on with their day. In the end, it's just easier. 

2. Cut back on Korean snacks.

    I, unlike a lot of foreigners here, really enjoy rice cakes (tteok). I'm not talking about the ones in tteokbokki. I'm talking about the fancy ones filled with red bean or pumpkin. But they are not very healthy and so I've definitely had to put those on the back-burner. Accepting the occasional rice cake at a teacher's meeting will make everyone happy without seeming rude. Most meetings will have fruit. If I eat enough of that, they won't notice I haven't touched a rice cake. You need to just use your common sense, and living here for a year has taught me to see the difference between if I need to be accepting food even if I don't want to and when I can simply decline it with a smile. The quick rubbing of your stomach expressing you are "full" will aid in this.

3. Western Food Cravings
     Of course you're going to have cravings for your comfort food from home. Completely normal. After eating Korean food all week long, it's nice to spend your weekends indulging in some western-style food. However if you come from a small city like mine, you're not going to have the pleasure of sandwich places or restaurants with a nice salad that doesn't contain fried chicken. Instead you're going to get what Koreans think westerners eat... which is: spaghetti, fried chicken and pizza. That's all folks. You will find Mr. Pizza; Pizza Hut; Italian restaurants serving pilaf, pizza, and spaghetti combinations; 7 different kinds of Take-Out Fried Chicken places.

And that's pretty much it. Now coming from NY, Mr. Pizza does NOTHING for me. Actually pizza in general in Korea does nothing for me. I wasn't brought up eating fried chicken, so thank you mom. And as for the Italian restaurants... well there's nothing like some Long Island Italians... they know how to cook man. What I do like is my Mexican, Greek, Thai, Vietnamese, and Indian food.. and where do you find all of that... none other than the big cities. I'm talking Seoul, Daegu, and Busan. I've come to love a few favorites. And I make it a point to indulge in western food only when I go there. You should see me and my friends the second we arrive off that bus. Immediately there's a beeline for the nearest Starbucks. What are we having for lunch! And we're discussing our dinner plans while still sitting at lunch. Oh and did I mention Starbucks for the second or third time before we leave for back home.

A couple of my favorites:

Seoul:
The Flying Pan Blue- western-style brunch, organic sandwiches, salads, soups,  beautiful presentation, (Get there EARLY. Can't say that enough. This will forever go down as my top favorite.)- (Itaewon)
Buddha's Belly- Thai, romantic atmosphere, Vegan options (Itaewon)
Braii Republic- South African Have yet to go here =/ but have heard GREAT things from my SA friends (Itaewon)
Butterfinger Panckakes- western-style brunch, HUGE menu, amazing panckakes! (Gangnam)
Santorini- Greek, It's unbelievable that I haven't yet made it here, but it has definintely been recommended by friends. (Itaewon)

Daegu:
Dos Tacos- Mexican, delicious!!
Caliente- Mexican, great bar atmosphere at night, great drinks, a bit expensive but worth it
Berkeley- Italian, light salads, etc.
Mies Container- comfort food, huge salads, huge cheese dishes (like a cheese panini without the bread. Just the filling. Talk about heart attack- but soo good!) fun atmosphere, perfect for a hungover Daegu morning (minus the upbeat shouts from the Korean chefs every time someone puts in an order)

Busan:
Namaste- Indian, always has seating, dark/intimate setting, (Haeundae Beach)

4. Stay Active!
     Most of us who are employed with EPIK have a lot of downtime. (Can't say the same for hagwon teachers.) This means I am sitting on my ass for a good half of the day. Korea has great hiking trails. They also have many gyms- you just need to look for them. I always say if you're living in a city, don't forget to look up! There's so much you miss on the top floors of these buildings. I joined a great gym in my city.

A break from my run at our Nakdong River track

The owner and his right hand man (one of my friend's former HS students) are great and so friendly. Gyms in Korea are a daily comedy show. Most Koreans will walk the treadmill, do a few stretches, play around on a weight machine, and then go straight for the vibrating belt machine. Unlike the big cities, you will most likely have free range of everything being that you're probably going to be one of the only ones in there.
There have been many days where I have the gym completely to myself. Oh, and you think you're a celebrity on the street.. walk into the gym.. ALL eyes are going to be on you. But like everything, you will quickly become old news. Pheww. My gym has a few regulars, and they don't even blink an eye at me anymore. If anything, it's nice to feel like a part of the community when you walk into the gym and exchange smiles with the Koreans in there who see you everyday. Being that the weather is getting warmer, I stopped my membership for this month. I've been training for a 10k coming up next Sunday, so I've switched to our beautiful track at the river. But I'm already missing my weight training so I'll be back there soon! For right now, the warmth and the water is perfect =)

5. H20!
     This is a given. If you've been living in Korea, you will quickly realize that they don't drink a lot of water. At all. I still don't understand it. No one really does. If you're still eating a ton of Korean food during the week... make sure you're staying hydrated. The abundant amount of salt in your system takes a toll. I personally have an issue with drinking enough water, so I labeled my water bottle with time-increments to keep me on track. It really helps.

6. Gmarket & iHerb
     Korea does not have a lot of the supplements and health foods that are readily available back home. I would kill for a Trader Joe's or a Whole Foods, but I've learned to deal with what I have here. These two websites are amazing. Gmarket is extremely cheap. I bought myself a blender for around $20 USD and a mini-oven for around $34 USD. iHerb is a website based out of the States that ships internationally for cheap! I recently bought chia seeds, quinoa, whole wheat flour, sucanat, and whey protein powder. My next order will consist of coconut oil and raw honey. You name it.. they got it! Best part- they ship ridiculously fast. Especially Gmarket. I ordered my oven- two days later I was baking my chicken. BAM!

I think a big part of my problem was that I thought living in this country meant me having to change my lifestyle to make it fit theirs. But moving abroad doesn't mean you should throw away everything you've worked so hard for; everything you know. That's really not the right way to go about assimilating  If you have the resources- use them! I know that now. South Korea has resources, you just need to do a bit of research. Hopefully this blog will help some of you out. Explore! My friend just recently found an Asian market around the corner from my apartment.. literally a 2 1/2 minute bike ride from my front door. There, I found chick peas, cilantro, mung beans, and a bunch of other goodies. I also have one cheat meal a week, where I let myself eat whatever meal I've been craving.

The last piece of advice I have is don't get too crazy. You're in a foreign country for godsakes! Enjoy their food! Try new things! Take it in.. because before you know it, before I know it, I'm going to be back home craving dakgalbi and bulgogi. So let yourself go a bit. That should be a given with anyone living a healthy lifestyle. Know your neighborhood. Know its markets. Know its specialty foods. Know your body. Know its limits. Experiment. Explore.

Some things I enjoy in my city of Andong:
> The most delicious carrot cake I've ever had (Cafe Life in Shinae)
> Delicious dakgalbi (in downtown Shinae)
> Andong jjimdak (Jjimdak Street in Shinae)
> Frozen yogurt (Yoger Presso across from Sungso Hospital)
> Vietnamese Shabu Shabu (in Okdong)
> Japanese (Katsura in Okdong)
> Fresh-brewed coffee (Zelkova in Shiane)
> Jajangmyeon (Chinese restaurant in Dangbukdong)

Kimchi Jiggae: my favorite take-out meal ($5 USD) 

Andong Jjimdak

Shabu Shabu (Photo credit: Leandi Pienaar)

Something I've been trying to do recently is stay present-minded- something that clicked with me when I read it off a friends' status. (She is finishing up her last few days in the Peace Corps, where she has been living in Zambia for the past 2+ years.) So as much as I have been working my ass off for the body I had before I came to Korea, I am remembering to enjoy every minute of my life here. I am on one hell of an incredible journey and decided to embark on it for another 12 months. Two months have already passed since I've been home and it WILL be all over before I know it. I'm staying present-minded, cherishing and making mental notes of everything I experience, see, hear, do, and to get back on track of this post- eat.

This weekend has turned into quite the cooking and baking frenzy. I'm leaving you with some recent goodies I've experimented with. Enjoy!

I was on a smoothie kick all last week thanks to my delicious french vanilla whey protein. (This one had blueberries, walnuts, chia, flax, almond milk, and FV whey protein,)

Baked sweet potatoes, red split lentils, onions, greens, carrots 

Blueberry Oatmeal Bake. Inspired by FitFoodieFinds 

Chickpea Breakfast. (chickpeas, egg whites, yellow peppers, tomatoes, kale, chia seeds)

Homemade Tahini (sesame seeds & olive oil)

Almond Butter (DIdn't come out right. Unfortunately my small blender does not have the power of a food processor or Vitamix) But I'll find something to do with what I did get out of it! haha

Chickpea Peanut Butter Chocolate Chip Cookies (flour free, oil free, egg free, sugar free)

Clean Homemade Hummus: Kimchi Anyone? 

Mung Bean Ball Salad- Inspired by Scandifoodie

Korea has some delicious foods- enjoy them! But don't forget what your body needs. =)