Finish Each Day And Be Done With It..

I have really been slacking with this blog, so I apologize. But I'm sitting down today with my hot cup of Dunkin coffee and the two donuts I probably shouldn't have just consumed after a hardcore leg day at the gym. I don't even like donuts. No, that's not a joke. Therefore my body is craving carbs.. (clearly not the good kind.) To be fair I did have some awesome Zucchini Protein Pancakes and a Stuffed Kabocha Squash with black beans and other goodness.

Anyway, I'm about to be interrupted by Lloyd, for we are buying our tickets to Cambodia/Thailand today! Finally got the go-ahead from my Vice Principal after nagging my co-teachers every day for the past two weeks. "Make sure you ask him for permission when he gets back from his business meeting (which yes, lasted two weeks.) I need to buy my tickets!" They pulled through in the end. Thank goodness. I'm not made of money people.

So, this post is basically going to be treated like a diary. Maybe because writing about it in my personal journal is not good enough like it usually is. Or maybe the thought that it's out in the public and I feel like I'm really sharing my emotions with people (even if only a handful of people read this) will help me. Either way, I'm about to share a whole lot of info that I rarely share with people, but I'm hoping it will help me get through these next few months. Thank you Orlando- for making me slooooowly open up about my emotions. Yeah.. I'm one of those. 

First off, let's go back in time and get in to what I have been up to for the past three months. After Thailand it was back to work, back to the kids, and the awaiting of the boy. Autumn crept in slowly but surely, and was gone in an instant. That's Korea for ya. Summer and Winter are extreme and last FOREVER. Spring and Autumn.. well you barely say hello to them before they vanish. I admit, this country in the autumn is beautiful. New York takes the prize, but Korea deserves a definite spot. Not a lot happened in September.. it was the usual getting back into work mode and coming to reality that I was no longer on vacation on a tropical island. 

October hit and man did time slow down. Orlando arrived on the 12th, and those next two weeks were absolutely perfect. We spent a good amount of time in Seoul. Spent a night in Daegu celebrating my birthday with some friends. I had to work during this time, minus the two days I played some hookey. Shh. So we made the best out of it and I was able to get in most of what I wanted him to see and experience. He knows this, but I am forever grateful that he was able to make this trip. We're both beyond lucky we found each other. We share a mutual love for traveling, and that's something that we have promised each other we will continue. Already making plans..  So skip the whole leaving him at the airport scene, because I never want to go through that one ever again.. He's home safe, and we're getting through the next three months.. some how. But we are.

That was a little over a month ago, and here we are.. late November. Thanksgiving is in three days, which means it's the beginning of the holiday season. And for expats that means homesickness at its finest. Last year was tough but this year I was prepared. It's cold; you want to cuddle up in your home with some hot chocolate. Your family is constantly around. There's good food to be eaten, laughs and stories to be had. It's a magical time. A time to reconnect with the ones you love. When you are not near any of that.. it hurts. It's tough.


Now for the deep stuff..
I've been going through a bit of a mini-depression if we must call it that. Over the past month I have lost interest in things that once interested me. I have distanced myself from my friends here. My typical day is something like this.. I go to work until 4:30. I head straight to the gym for an hour and a half.By the time I get home it's around 7pm. I make dinner and I sit down to at least two episodes of Breaking Bad (Yes, I'm a little late on that train. And yes, I'm addicted.) I go to sleep and do it all over again. I rarely talk to anyone throughout the day. I bail on plans. I avoid coffee shops where I think I will see people. This is not me. And it's starting to really take a toll on me. 

There are some underlying problems that I know I'm going through. In the beginning of this post I felt I could open up about them in detail, but I changed my mind on that. So I'll just give you the general issues going on that are making me pull away from everyone and everything here in Korea. (Exception: #1. I feel as though this one needs some serious ventilation so I don't blow.)

1. I have become obsessed with clean-eating. I have always had an unhealthy relationship with food (Let's just be real.. I've always had a fucked up relationship with food.) The guilt I feel after I treat myself to something or give in to something my body is clearly craving, is really starting to get to me. These past two weeks I've been reading blog after blog on ways to deal with food guilt and enjoying everything you consume. That is what's behind guilt-free eating. When you enjoy what you are putting into your body, everything you are putting into your body, you won't have the guilt when you treat yourself to something "un-clean."

Orthorexia. The name Physician Steven Bratman came up with, for people who simply have an obsession for healthy eating. They are preoccupied with eating the cleanest, purest, healthiest (aka "clean") foods, and avoiding anything artificial or "toxic." Officially classifying this as an eating disorder is controversial. Orthorexia Nervosa does not appear in the DSM-IV as are anorexia and bulimia. Opponents wonder "Since when did choosing a lifestyle that eliminates junk food become a disease?"

Personally I really don't know where I stand on this matter. I'm coming from my experiences over the past few months. I came back to Korea wanting to better myself. My first year here I let myself go.. badly. I knew I wanted to get back into the shape I was in before I left for this country. I did that.. and I went beyond it. I researched hours upon hours of recipes, articles, blogs, and workouts. I do HIIT workouts 4-5 times a week. I weight lift 6 days a week. I spend ridiculous amounts of money on clean foods on iherb that are not found here in Korea. I realized the other day i have been basically eating like a vegan 75% of the time over the past 9 months.

This is basically what my kitchen contains:
quinoa
oats (steel-cut and old fashioned)
legumes (kidney beans, black beans, mung beans, lentils)
dark greens (spinach, kale)
veggies (zucchini, squash, pumpkin, eggplant, carrots)
fruit (whatever is in season.. but always bananas and apples)
almond milk
chia seed
flax seed
isolate whey protein powder
raw natural almond butter/peanut butter
yellow mustard (the one condiment I allow myself.)
I just ordered nutritional yeast. which I'm really excited about.

Vegan much?

Now you may think, okay this is a normal clean-eating lifestyle. Yes, it is. I am educated. I eat my 5 small meals a day. I fuel my body pre and post- workout. I know I'm eating clean. So yes.. this is a normal clean lifestyle.

Except for one problem.. and that's my complete inability to have something the LEAST bit "unclean" and not feel like complete and utter shit.

• It's my inability to go to a weekly "Girl's Night" with my friends and have a piece of damn bread with the soup they made. It's my inability to BUY bread myself. (Now.. Korea has no such thing as ezekiel or whole wheat so I'm trying to not make this a major point.)
• It's my inability to have one of their meals because although it has nice lean chicken and veggies, they put some kind of sauce in it or a little salt that upped the sodium to a level I can't consciously eat.
• It's having chips and salsa at a South African braai and wanting to take it all back because even though it was about 5 chips total and no more than 2 tablespoons of salsa.. it came from a jar full of sodium, preservatives and other crap that my body doesn't need. It's the fact that I'm yelling inside, "Why couldn't you just cut up some tomatoes, onions etc, added some spices and call it a day. Perfectly clean salsa right there.
• No. it doesn't matter that it's a special occasion. Do I buy this stuff myself. No. Do I have it every day? No.
• Do I bake delicious carrot cakes for myself every day? No. So can I enjoy the piece cut for me for my birthday, made by one of my best friends, a pastry chef? No, I can't. It's absolutely delicious. I'll eat it of course. I will savor every bite. But every time I swallow, I'm thinking what the hell did I just do that for?

It's exhausting. It is so mentally draining. I have been dealing with food issues since I was in 6th grade. 11 years old. I'm 24. I know who I am. I'm not that insecure little pre-teen anymore. Enough is enough.
I am so terrified of slipping and going back to how I was. Was I overweight? Absolutely not. Did I eat crap all day? No. I've always been health conscious; made healthy choices; had an active lifestyle. But I was nowhere near as disciplined as I am now. I am both afraid and excited for home. I will have access to foods and supplements that I do not have access to here. There are so many recipes I want to try. But I am also going home to bars, late night food, foods I've missed, a much MUCH busier schedule (which means getting to the gym or Bikram will be much more of a feat), larger restaurant portions, friends who don't share the same lifestyle I do.

I'm hoping the knowledge and the discipline I have now will carry over.
I'm hoping the guilt and the obsessiveness do not.


So after all of the blogs I've been reading on people who have been through the same thing I'm currently going through... It all comes down to.. Enjoy your food.
That way when a big craving strikes..
1. You won't over-indulge or binge.
2. You will enjoy it instead of feeling guilt.
Really take a look at your lifestyle.
You're not an idiot.
You know you're eating the cleanest foods you can find.
You ARE making good choices.
You're making substitutions everywhere you know you can. Yes, I make chickpea chocolate chip cookies. Yes I make protein powder syrup for my pancakes. Yes, I never eat red meat at home. Yes I make "flax eggs." Yes I use nutritional yeast as cheese. Yes I use Greek yogurt for every creamy ingredient that comes along. Yes I only use coconut oil.
You look great.
You're getting your ass to the gym.
You're educated.
You've done the research.
You CAN indulge a little bit. You're allowed to.
You're allowed to eat that piece of bread. You're allowed to have an extra tablespoon of peanut butter once in a while. You can try your friend's new recipe.

You over-indulge. Fine. You say, "Okay. that happened. It's done. It's over. Tomorrow is a fresh new start."

Only you know your own body. Listen to it. Give it what it wants. Cut it some slack once in a while.

"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered  with your old nonsense." -Ralph Waldo Emerson  


Back to my list..

2. My dad. We haven't spoken in years. I guess he always pops into my head around the holidays. Reality hits like a tsunami. I realize that he is completely out of my life.

3. My brothers. One in particular is going through some stuff and all I want to do is be there for him. Around him. Helping him.. trying to at least. As much as he'll let me.

4. The holidays. Korea's Christmas is almost non-existent. I want to be near my family. I have a family of friends here and I'm thankful. But I need my family.

5. New family. I am expecting a new niece or nephew any day now. My new cousin was just born.

6. My other half. I am in love with this incredible man who makes me become the best version of myself. We have had to say goodbye for months at a time- twice now. We have seen each other in 2 and 3 week increments. When I come home, I will be home for good. No more goodbyes like that. No more countdowns. No more skype. No more dropped calls. The anticipation of all of that is killing me. It's killing us. But we've proved long distance works. And this thing is lasting. 

Orlando and my mother told me the exact same things. They were just the right amount of harsh. I needed that. Badly. I need to get back to the mindset I was in when I first came to Korea. The mindset where excitement and new experiences covered the fact that I was away from home. I need to do the things and see the things I've yet to experience here in Korea before I leave. Because the reality is... in exactly 3 months and 2 days, I will be boarding a flight to the States where all of this will be mere memories. I want them to be great memories. And the truth is... I WILL miss this place. I will miss this point in my life. I need to be present-minded. I need to continue to take it in. I need this time. I need to savor it. My mom is right... I don't want to look back at my last few months and see myself giving up; throwing in the towel way too early. There are too many things I've yet to see. Yet to do. 

So I've made some goals for myself. Some personal gains I need to make. Some personal changes I need to make in my life. By the end of this I will have spent two years of my life here. 24 months in this beautiful, crazy, country they call South Korea. I've said it before, and I will say it again.. I am BEYOND grateful for my life here. My friends, my co-teachers, my students. This country, this experience has changed me in more ways than I knew. It's made me open up to find out who I really am. And you know what, I realized that a big part of who I am is my family. I am very close to them. And that's not a bad thing. Is it affecting my time here? Absolutely it is. In a bad way? Not in the slightest. It's just a fact. I've always had their support. And I continue to have it. Am I adaptable as I thought I was? I've realized it varies greatly on the situation. I went on a solo trip to a foreign country. I did a two-day trek through a village where almost every resource we were used to was taken away. I pushed my body and mind to go through the extremes. I have encountered so much here. Every expat does. We go through times of struggle, heartbreak, homesickness, culture-shock, and doubt. It all comes back to that one thought.. I am in ________!!! For me, I am in Korea!!! I moved here, knowing not a soul. I made friends who are now my family. I made connections that will last me a lifetime. The connections you make while traveling are incomparable. They are full of depth, culture, differences, and interest. I am thankful for every single on of those connections, no matter how big or small.

The life of an expat. They don't prepare you for these feelings towards the end. There are SO many feelings. They can be confusing, exciting, and just overall crazy.

"Be comfortable being uncomfortable. It may get tough, but it's a small price to pay for living a dream." - Peter McWilliams

Slow Comeback

Tomorrow I start my second year teaching here in Korea. I will officially meet my new students Tuesday, but tomorrow will begin the actual school year. The students have been off for the past two weeks, while I have had to desk-warm during this time. It was admittedly painful. I was bored, miserable, cold, and pissed. Some of my friends had off during this time. Their schools said they simply didn't need to show up until March 4th (tomorrow). Not mine. We continue to try to find the reasoning behind this thinking but fail every time. It's just one of those things you have to accept. So the last few days as I was getting increasingly annoyed at the fact that I hadn't seen a single soul walk down my hallway all day, I started leaving early. Whether that was the right or wrong choice, I did it. There's only so much you can take with being put up in a room on the top floor of a building with no communication all day. (Not to mention 7 cars in the parking lot at any given point.)

On more positive news, I've gotten back into my gym routine. I've been going 3-4 times a week straight from school. Training for a 10k in mid-April at the Cherry Blossom Festival in Gyeongju. This will be my third 10k here in Korea. Pretty pumped!

I'm just waiting for my life to get back to schedule. I've always been one who needs a schedule. I need to start teaching. I need the weather to get warmer. I need to get back to the happiness I felt last year at this time. Of course this year will be different. Quite a few of my friends left Korea, moved up to Seoul, etc. I'm working on saving money to start my life back in the States. Things are different. There's no doubt about that. I had an amazing time while I was home and I'm still holding onto that. But I feel like I'm forgetting the person I came here as. I need to get back to her. I know I'm not completely lost.. and this became apparent a few weeks ago while I was researching Vietnam for my vacation in September. I remembered half the reason I'm here. To travel. I was so pumped, so excited, jotting down all this research I found. I felt like myself again. Traveling is a part of me. It always has been. Teaching is another part of me. I am here living out my dreams, and I need to hold on to that. Bottom line: I need to start teaching, because I've been going a little crazy. So this next week should be the start of me getting back to normal.

I've talked to some friends who are in their third year in Korea now. Almost all of them had similar experiences coming back for their second year. It was hard without a doubt. One friend in particular told me that her second year brought on more extreme highs and lows. For example, annoyances about Korea will get to you on a whole new level, but go away pretty fast. I'm used to the culture here. I know what to expect. I'm going to lose patience on a different kind of level, but learn how to deal with it so much faster. I have such a deep respect for this country. I see the beauty in it. The kind people. It's all there. This thing that's going on with me, is my problem alone.

I feel myself slowly coming around, and I'm excited for this next year- don't get me wrong. There's a lot I want to accomplish, so I'm trying not to speed up my time here. I know how fast one year went, so I can only imagine how fast this year will go. There's so many places I still want to see in this country. I feel guilty that I'm in this slump. But I've been reassured that this is normal, and it'll take some time to get back into the swing of things. I'm focusing on the fact that I am anxious and excited to meet my new students, planning festival trips, vacations, still have that feeling of home when I walk around this city. That girl who came here last year is still here, but I'm growing up and this year will be different whether I want it to be or not. It's life. Change happens.

I met a ton of people who are new to Andong this past weekend. Unknown to them, they're a big reason why I feel myself coming back around. The anxiousness, nervousness, excitement, positiveness, coming out of their mouths was so inspiring. They are me one year ago. New to this country. Scared shitless. Not knowing what's in store for them. It's such a cool, scary feeling. But they are SO pumped to be here. I love that.

On that note: I am grateful I am here. It's where I want to be. This country continues to surprise me, touch me, and give me experiences I can get no where else. I know how lucky I am to be here, and will never lose that 

Let's Talk Reality

This weekend, a few of us had what I would call one of the most interesting, real conversations I've had thus far in my life.. about what happens when you arrive back in your home country after traveling. It's worth mentioning for people who are considering traveling for the first time as well as people who are currently on their first adventures. My friend Dan had traveled across Europe for a few months at the age of eighteen. He met a man along the way who gave him the best, most useful piece of advice he would use in life. Now I don't remember his exact words he used, but it went along the lines of this:

You are going to experience and learn amazing things during your time here, and  the first thing you'll want to do is go home and tell all the people who are important to you about those things. They will of course be interested in what you say, nodding, ooohing and ahhing, asking questions... but they won't really be able to take it all in. Not fully. They won't really be completely immersed in what you're saying, because how could they possibly be? They weren't there. And especially if this person you're speaking to has never traveled outside of their country, have never been exposed firsthand to a culture other than the one they were raised in and have been living in, they really won't fully get it. Of course they will be excited for you and say things like, "That's so cool! or "Wow, that sounds amazing!" or "That's awesome that you got this chance!" But there will be a kind of emptiness you feel when you try to explain the culture and the different people you've met. And how you've actually changed as a person. Because you will. Only if a little, traveling changes you.

Now this conversation was especially relative to me because I had a similar experience when I arrived back home from New Zealand. So everything Dan was talking about, everything this man he met in Europe told him, was clicking right away. I was only in NZ for one month, but the amount that I accomplished while I was there was abundant, and the amount of people I met, the information I learned about the Maori people, the ways in which I changed in four short weeks, the new outlook I had on life, the way that I started to change my everyday routine, the ways in which I now saw myself, the way I now viewed the States, were all there. And I did the exact same thing.. I remember the second I got in the car to drive home from the aiport, I talked my family's ear off. Why would you not? You just lived in a foreign country for four weeks. The people I lived with during that time did the exact same things I did, so the anticipation of getting home and releasing all of this information in your head to those you love who could not be there with you is exciting and a big deal. Before I knew it, we were home from the airport in what seemed like ten minutes time (JFK is an hour and 15 minute drive.) And even then, I wasn't satisfied because there was still so much more information I had to get out. When I first saw my friends and my boyfriend, again, I did the same thing. Eventually I started to realize that yes they had questions and we had conversations about my trip, but it was missing something. It was missing something deeper, something that I was craving, and at the time I didn't quite know what that was or what that meant. It was like I was desperately trying to make them understand this place and they couldn't. And by place, I mean NZ and everything in it as well as the place I was now in. And now I realize that that's okay. It's normal. And it happens.

Dan's friend's most important piece of advice was, You can't be angry or upset with them when you don't get the reaction you're looking for. You can't get disappointed. It's the major difference in people who travel and people who don't.

I don't even think you're looking for a specific reaction. It's not like you tell people stories and expect them to be crazed about it. It's not like that at all. But the reaction you do get makes you only realize after the fact, is off, and maybe you were subconciously looking for something else.

Of course the traveled person is not better than the other. That's ridiculous. The way I see it is that the second someone travels outside of their community and experiences other places, their mindset and outlook immediately start to drift from that of the individual who has never traveled. People crave travel, they want to get out of whatever situation they're in and hit the road. But if for some reason they can't, be it financially, family, etc. they read, they watch videos, they research these cultures, these countries, these people, the way they live, eat, speak, interact, think. These are the people I look up to. These are the people who I consider intellectual, culture-hungry, engaged, culturally-aware, motivated, curious, human beings. I am SO incredibly thankful that I got the chance to get on a plane twice and go halfway across the world. My grandmother helped me get to New Zealand, for I would never in a million years be able to afford that trip. And I worked and saved a crap ton of money for this trip to Korea. I'm thankful for EPIK whos treats their English teachers wonderfully and to my mom who will always be who she is and insists on helping me in any way that she can, even when I try to deny her. I wish I had the financial means to travel until I was ready to actually settle down somewhere. But that's not in the works for me, so for right now, I'm grateful and I'm living this experience up.

During your travels, everything you see, everything you do, every person you meet, you want the people you love most to be there at that moment with you, experiencing it too. But the fact is is that no one person travels with every single friend and their entire immediate and extended family, so I believe that most travelers have this feeling. I've got to say, it's great seeing these gorgeous mountain tops in Andong, the mysterious caves in Danyang, the beautifully sculpted temples across Korea, the chaos and excitement of Seoul, the beautiful rivers and beaches, tasting endless delicious new foods, watching the adorable Korean children play Kai Bai Bo all day long. Even dealing with feeling like a celebrity/checking that you're not showing too much cleavage/there has to be something on my face.. but no I'm just a foreigner, ignore the stares. Going through communication struggles and the stress of culture shock. It's wonderful getting to share all of these things with my friends here. But I'm sure I can speak for most of them, if not all, that we all have a feeling, even if it's a quick one that comes and goes... we all want to turn to our side and have someone from home right there looking at the same thing we are.

I decided to write about this because despite the difficulty in the reality of it, I need to accept it this time around. And like I said before, I want people who are first time travelers or people who are thinking about it to be prepared. The reality is that this will happen to most of them, but it's not a bad thing. And it shouldn't be looked at as such. It's just, for lack of better words, just kind of what happens and it's one of those things that you need to deal with as a traveler when you finally make that journey back home.

It's not all rainbows and cupcakes here..

Today was officially the first day I really just wanted to go home. Yes, culture shock has completely and utterly consumed me. I can't pretend it hasn't anymore. And I don't mean just the language, because if you think that is what culture shock is solely about, then you're for lack of a better word... a fool. I mean anything and everything is getting to me.

These are some of my.. not so.. favorite things:

• The unnecessary workout every time I got to the bathroom at school, because all they have are squatters... not to mention how it springs up intense pain in my knee's torn ligament
• the lingering and not at all discreet stares I get EVERYWHERE I go because I'm white
• the fact that my co-teacher can't even help me with what my bills say
• how internet banking and an ATM/debit card don't automatically come with your bank account, ( I still don't have both.. because "it's too difficult to set it up")
• the jokes and laughs students make at any black person they see
• the bullying that is seen but done nothing about
• how fist fights between students is not considered a cause to punish and is even laughed about by some teachers
• the incredible lack of special education services in schools
• the last-minute decisions
• the stereotypes of westerners (apparently all we eat is fried chicken, pizza, and hamburgers).. which makes it impossible to find one restaurant that sells simple turkey wraps, salads with GRILLED chicken, etc. (I haven't found one yet)
• the 101 ways to come off as rude just by the way you place your chopsticks on your plate
• most Korean stores do not allow you to try clothes on
• the EXTREME lack of consistent discipline, picking and choosing where Korean teachers DECIDE to discipline... makes no sense at all
• the constant beeping of taxis when they see a foreigner because they assume we don't know where the hell we're going and that we are definitely in need of a ride
• do you not believe in whole wheat bread?
• unmistakably, the most unsafe drivers on this planet (the light is red, there are pedestrians walking across the street.. why the HELL are you driving through 50mph?!?!) On that note...
• just because the little green guy in the light says you can walk, does NOT MEAN you SHOULD walk
• the fact that you can't stand in most bars and HAVE to find a seat, unless they might deny you entry
• you need to wait for other people at the table to finish eating even if you are done 15 minutes before, but then they just pressure you by giving alternating stares between you and your food (I've seen this happen between teachers and it is awkward for everyone involved, so WHY)
• ahjummas thinking they can do whatever they want, but mostly elbowing you to get out of their way
• why is there no skim milk available in coffee shops, and if there is, why must I pay extra for it?!
• subways closing at 11pm?!
• please stop telling me I have hips and won't fit into that skirt. I'm a westerner. Yes I have hips. I've known that my entire life, and I'm looking at the skirt because it's pretty, clearly I am aware it's not my size
• the difficulty in communicating my most simple needs.

Damn that felt good.

Now you understand why we need to be with foreigners or ourselves every weekend in order to stay slightly sane. As we've been told by many people, interviewers, Korean Teachers, other Guest English Teachers-  "Culture shock is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of normalcy." They're right. Of course I've noticed most of these things all along, but they were novel to me and interesting, and I was truly intrigued. But now, some of these things really, really get under my skin, and I have come up with 3 different choices for when they really agitate me:

1. close my eyes, take a deep breath and roll with it

2. remove myself from the situation before I say or do something I will regret

3. ignore it's happening. 

I'm proud to say I usually take on the first one, however sometimes I choose number two minus the removing myself part, which involves me saying something under my breath, or unfortunately a little louder. 

This whole rant was inspired mostly by today, but last week was just leading up to this post too.

Today started off great, but soon turned to chaos. During a group activity, I looked over and one of my 4th grade boys was punching another boy in the face. And I don't mean a light smack, I mean fist clenched and extreme contact to the face. 4th grade. 9 years-old. And they wonder how bullying starts here. I ran over, screamed at him to stop, he wouldn't, so I put both of my arms in front of the victim and the boy throws another punch, barely missing my arm. The anger and the determination in this 9 year-old's eyes was frightening. When he finally sat down, I stood there for the next 60 seconds peering down at them, letting them know my concern and my distaste. Now, I've heard stories of this happening before, so I knew right away what the reaction of my co-teacher was going to be (especially since she was 20 feet away but her presence was no where near this situation the entire time.) I went over to her after the 60 seconds, and said these exact words, "Did you see what just happened?"

"No, what?"

"That boy was punching that one in the face. Very violently."

She laughs out loud, covering her mouth, "hahaha. Oh really. hahahah"

I know fighting and physical contact like that in schools isn't taken seriously over here, but I did not expect a laugh. I gave her a look of disbelief, then she turned her face into a more serious look and that is when I walked away without another word.  (This would have been a situation in where I would say the wrong thing, so I held my tongue.) Five minutes later I went back and explained this additional difference between schools in America and schools here. I told her how in the States, fighting and any type of physical contact like that is taken VERY seriously. There would be immediate attention brought to it, inevitable punishment, a trip to the principal and/or social worker given the situation, and in extreme cases, suspension. She just kept saying, "Ohh woww, really, ahh!" In complete awe. I understand this is a different country, with different rules, different expectations, different ways of doing things, different interpretations of how rough is rough... but how is a 9 year-old punching the face of a fellow 9 year-old okay? It's just not. And the fact that bullying is increasing more and more in this country, the fact that there were 2 student suicides in this city and a neighboring one in the past month.. doesn't that ring a bell to anyone breathing... that it all begins with this. With picking on other people, with too much competition, with teachers doing absolutely NOTHING about it, so students take it to entirely new levels, because they know they can get away with it.. It is nonsense. It is insane. It is not okay. I know I am sharing these classes with a Korean teacher who has been doing this forever, but isn't it my classroom too? Aren't these students my students too? Isn't their safety in my very hands from the second they step into that room until the second they leave. They need to know my stand on it, and that I will never let that happen again in my presence.

I swear I envy my friends here who were not teachers back home. I have this teaching experience that I keep comparing this education system to, and some days I feel like that's not the best thing in the world to do. I'm constantly pulling ideas to get these kids motivated and energized and wanting to learn this universal language... but some days it barely works. I don't want to say that nothing has worked, because there are things I've pulled from my bag of tricks that have worked tremendously over here, just like they do in the States, but this is Korea. And that's America, and I have to treat it accordingly, even it goes against every single thing I was taught by my wonderful, wise professors. A lot of my ideas are shut down by my Korean teacher because it's "not the way we do things" or "let's just stick to the book" THEY HATE THE BOOK or "No. I think maybe this is too hard for them".. that one is the worst to hear, because it is apparent, especially now because of their recent test scores, that these classes are so mix-leveled. I clearly see the students who are bored because they finished the assignment in 3 minutes. But I also see the students who are struggling, playing with their pencils, because they barely know how to respond when I say, "How are you?" Sometimes I egg her on to at least try this technique or try this activity, because it will challenge the higher-level students, but if we do it this way, it will also accommodate the lower-level students giving them the extra scaffolding they need. Sometimes she'll be all for it (which usually results in her changing her mind at the last second, and pulling out a worksheet. So much for my idea) So most times I just give in, and say okay, and walk away. It's exhausting trying to make her see what I have to offer.

I would NEVER in a million years, go about co-teaching in this manner back in the States. When someone decides to become an educator, you agree to work with others. It is impossible to get around it in the school system, and I loved that part of it when I decided to become an education major and teach for the rest of my life. Teaching is about sharing ideas, receiving and giving input (which is not always input you want to hear or give, but you do it because it's part of your job and it benefits the students in the end.) If you are someone who likes to work by themselves and do things your own way, every time, then well, teaching is NOT for you, and it would be a dishonor and a disgrace to become one and do that to the children in this world. But here, with the cultural and language barrier, open communication is beyond difficult and it kills me that I feel like I should be doing more, accomplishing more,with my job here.

This job is a hard one and I feel like lately, I've just been getting by. Barely making a difference, barely reaching these kids, barely making an impact. I really do mean it when I say I envy my friends who come from no teaching experience.

I miss my niece terribly who will be 12 months old in four days.

I miss my family, who will be welcoming our 14th first cousin any day now.

I hate that I won't be there to pick up my brother from his freshman year of college. 

I miss the comfort of my home.

I miss my friends who are driving hours, flying across the country, reuniting in 2 days for our college's end of the year bar crawl.

I feel guilty I'm missing my brother's last few months of high school and everything exciting that goes along with it. 

I miss my mother the most. She is my best friend, my confidant, my inspiration, and some days it kills me to be so far away from her. 

Let's just say this day ended in a glass of white wine and an undisclosed number of Ferrero Rochers.

In the words of Annie:

"The sun will come out tomorrow, Bet ya bottom dollar that tomorrow. There will be sun."