As terrifying and alarming as that dream might have been.. it was the first dream in 4 consecutive days that I did not dream about my ex-boyfriend..
So I sit here, writing my first blog entry in seven months. I feel like there is so much that has gone on in my life.. and that's quite the understatement. I don't quite know where to begin.. but we can start with my family.
Six months ago, after two years of being away in Korea, I made my way back to New York. I met my niece, Eve, for the first time, who at the time was only 3 months old. She could barely hold her head up, and now she is almost 9 months old, crawling, pulling herself up on everything, getting her hands on everything in sight, and smiling, laughing, and making our days brighter. Emma, who I skyped with constantly while I was in Korea.. has become such a light in my life. She is bright, funny, polite, and is growing up so fast. These girls are growing up in a very non-traditional setting, but our family, including their wonderful mother, are doing everything we can to shield them from the things going on around them, and to make sure they know they are loved, cared for, and protected.
 |
| The very first morning after returning home, and moments after meeting Eve. |
In the last month or two, our family has gone through hell. Not going to sugar coat that. Alcoholism has once again presented itself. along with hardcore drug addiction. Very recently, my family member grew the strength to admit to their addictions and took the first steps necessary. With the help of another family member, he chose to better himself, and get the help he needs. It's going to be a very long and hard road. Each day will bring something different. There were some nights there where I didn't know what the end result would be, what the end of the night would bring.. Now, I can say with complete and total confidence, that my younger brothers and I have dealt with things in a way that proves strength in us all.. We have grown, thanks to our wonderful mother, to be able to handle ANYTHING.. as long as we use each other and lean on each other. I am so grateful for each of my brothers. We show compassion and love, even in the darkest of nights. And all I keep thinking is how lucky these girls are to grow up in a family like ours. And how lucky my brothers and I are, to have had a mother who sheltered us in the way that she did and to have taught us what she did.
On to my job status..
Back in May, I scored a 6-week 4th grade leave replacement position. I had the time of my life, despite the serious needs and behavioral issues in my class. I learned SO much, and that aided me in interviews throughout the summer, with the knowledge that I so quickly acquired during that time.
Over the summer, I worked at my district's summer enrichment camp. There, I taught a writing and creative technology class to some of the most gracious and eager students I had ever had the pleasure of teaching. I also worked alongside a group of teachers that were simply AMAZING. We spent each break talking about job searching techniques, interviewing advice, and Orange is the New Black of course..
Like I said, I had a few interviews over the summer with NYC DOE, but clearly nothing came of that. I am grateful to have scored a full time 1:1 Teacher's Assistant position in my own district. I work with a student with autism. I work with an amazing Special Education teacher, who has taught me more than I thought I could learn in just the past two weeks. Each day I am challenged and kept on my toes.. which is what teaching is all about.
I have already had two weeks of grad school, and I love every minute of it.. I say that now.. but I'll admit receiving the syllabi made me immediately anxious. I really did miss being in a classroom, meeting new people who have the same interests as me, and learning more about the field I am in. My professors are incredible. Smart-asses.. which makes late night classes that much more fun and manageable.
I visited Boston with my best friend! It was a girls weekend.. something we both really needed. I can't even begin to explain how nice it is to finally be home with her. Oh how I missed you Brit! Though we are grandmas with way more responsibilities and no more 21-yr-old bounce-back, closing out our usual bar every Thursday night.. we can, if we want, still have a damn good time!
The boy. This last part is what really made me sit down and decide to start writing tonight. Writing has always been.. and I know will always continue to be.. the way I deal with my emotions. I have a hard time talking about things and making myself the center of attention with people listening to me. I have always been uncomfortable with that. And so writing became my out; my way of not bottling things up and blowing up. I am also aware that writing on here is public, and our relationship is private, as it should be.. so I will just scratch the surface with this one, as I always have when it comes to us. Orlando and I had an amazing few months once I came home, but the stresses of our daily lives, learning how to live and be with each other in each other's presence and not through a phone or computer screen proved challenging. We knew it would be, but we weren't ready for the extent of it. I think this goes for many relationships that start out long-distance. My mother said something that resonated with me.. that while in Korea, our daily lives did not affect each other as much as it does here. The most we really had to sacrifice was waking up or going to sleep late in order to make Skype dates. Orlando and I learned about each other's values, morals, dreams, and fears very early on. We quickly realized that we had something there that was just...right. And in his words, the feelings that we had for each other "don't happen often for people." We made each other grow in ways we never thought we were capable of. He made me believe love is real. We both thought we knew what love was before we met.. we both thought we had loved before. We were wrong. Us. This. We could never really explain our love for each other. We'd get tongue tied. That's how we knew. I learned (slowly) how to let go of some things, how to allow a man to protect me and make me feel safe and wanted. The thing is, once we came home.. real, daily stresses began to creep back into our lives. I had to settle back into my life here in the States. For people who have never lived abroad for an extended period of time.. will never know what that feels like. And that's okay. It's expected with an expat. Any expat who comes home and expects people in their old life to understand what they're going through, is a fool. But the fact that my friends who DID know what I was feeling, lived so far away, was difficult. It continues to be. Which is why when I couldn't talk to them, I turned to articles and blogs about reverse culture shock and how to best deal with it. But for me.. I had this relationship to focus on as well as deal with all of those changes and hardships on coming home. Couples disagree, couples argue, couples give each other space so that they can take some time to figure out exactly what they want. There are two people in a relationship, and both of these people need to be strong, be satisfied with their own lives, and know what they want.. before they can give their significant other the time, devotion, and love they deserve.
Relationships. They're hard. They're a lot of work. Nothing in life comes easy, and no matter how much you love the person you're with, no matter how right you are for that person.. you both need to continue to work on it. But you can't forget your individual dreams. You can't let those slide away because they're what make you, you. It's taking me a while, but I'm trying to stick to the fact that you need to be strong yourself before you can be strong with someone else. You need to know what YOU want, before you can share it with someone else.
I will never forget what my Aunt Ashley said to me one day a few years back. "No one knows what goes on in your relationship behind closed doors." She's right. People will always judge and have their opinions, but at the end of the day, behind that door.. it's YOU and HIM. That's it. You are the only two who can work on your relationship and build it back up when it falls. She also said, "in a relationship, you need to both be willing to change and grow together." If you're not willing to do that, it won't work. This new point in my life is heartbreaking and devastating, and it's about all I can do each day to get up, get myself to work where I can greet my students who put a smile on my face. A sincere one. Although it was pertaining to work, I believe it's going to help me in dealing with my not being with Orlando anymore.. My wise Aunt Therese said the other day, "Sometimes one day at a time needs to be broken up into hours, or even minutes."
I miss my life in Korea. I miss the ease of traveling. I miss my friends. I miss being able to walk up a hill to their apartment. I miss meeting them at a coffee shop downtown. I miss their accents, their culture, their personalities, the wine nights. I miss Daegu, Seoul, and Busan, meeting people from all different walks of life, each with their own story of how they came to be in this country. I miss singing my heart out at open mics every month. I even miss the troubles and the frustrations, because it just brings me back to the fact that wow... look what I did. Look what I accomplished. You come back home after being abroad, and reality hits that everyone kept on living their lives. Friends finished their masters, got engaged, married, had kids, bought houses, have mortgages. Well, good for them. That's their path. But I am far from those things. I'm glad I don't have a mortgage at 25 or a ring on my finger. Those things can wait.. We're still so young.
I.. I had experiences that no one can ever take away from me. And I am grateful for every one of them.
