Heartbreaking Day

I woke up this morning to personal heartbreak and I went into school insisting that I have a good day despite it. These kids deserve that. I've said it before and I'll say it again. Teaching is one of those jobs where your personal matters should never enter that classroom. Of course your students should see you emotional at times; it lets them know their teacher is still human. But there is a point where your personal life needs to be left at that door, and that's what I did today. As I looked into the 25 eyes of my first 4th grade class, it was affirmed yet again how naive and innocent children are. Most of them don't know heartbreak, death, abuse, stress, etc. All they have to do is go to school, play with their friends, enjoy their family, and play some games.

We all know that key word "most" is a crucial word in explaining this. Some kids absolutely do know mature emotions. It's unfortunate. In this case I'm going to talk about neglect.

My second 4th grade class includes one special education student. He is behaviorally challenged and has no services at school or at home. He comes to class day after day, prepared with his book and pencil case, but will not open the book and will not take out a pencil. His partner will eventually do this for him if I don't get there first. What kills me is his facial expression. I have never once seen him smile, smirk, or laugh. His eyebrows are in a constant furrow and his lips in a frown. This seems exaggerated but I wouldn't be writing it if it was. It's almost as if I want to dress up in a clown costume, do a stupid dance and make a fool of myself all to get the tiniest ounce of happiness out of this kid. His eyes are so sad and his body language kills me everyday he walks into that classroom.

I realize I'm going to explain this like it's out of a scene of a movie... but that's how I write long stories like this one.. so deal with it.

Today I realized this student wasn't writing anything, so I went over and tried to get him to copy out of his partner's book. When I asked for his pencil, he hid it behind his back and wouldn't budge. I decided to leave it be. Next was a fun English game where they needed to flick an eraser and state the sentence where it landed. I asked his partner if he had an eraser. He said no, so I reached for the boy's eraser which was sitting on his desk. He slammed down his hand and wouldn't let me have it. I gave his partner my eraser and told him to play with the team in front of him. I thought the boy would see how much fun the game was and involve himself. Plan backfired. Instead, he started pushing the chair in front of him with his feet, which happened to have a classmate sitting in it. This classmate was now getting squished between his chair and desk. He asked the boy kindly to stop.
*Since teaching here, I've realized Korean children are very good at problem solving. (I'm pretty sure I've mentioned this before in another entry.) Unlike children back home, they can discuss their disagreements and issues without a teacher's help. They are quite the independent children*
Knowing this, I watched the situation unfold from from afar, keeping a keen eye. Once I realized it wasn't working and the student was now in pain from getting too far squished, I quietly went over and asked the student if he wanted to move his seat so he wouldn't get hurt, and he did. I thought this would stop the boy, but he then continued on to push the now empty desk into the one in front of that, which of course had a girl sitting in it. She began to cry out because she was now the one trapped in between her chair and desk
*Koreans are very physical. In school, students hit, smack, and punch each other left and right. In this culture, it's not perceived like it is in the West. I've wrote about this multiple times on how I've accepted it because it's usually all in good fun. It is half my classroom however so  I reprimand the act every time I see it, but of course it means nothing if the the next time the Korean teacher is laughing about it and turning it into a joke. (This is something I've just accepted, because I can't be bothered worrying about it anymore.)*
However, this situation was starting to get entirely out of control, so I used my best educated judgement to take action. I may be the Native Teacher but I am still a teacher in that classroom, and this girl was now crying out, clenching her back and yelling at him to stop. I went over, picked up the desk right behind her that was pushing into her and slammed it down. I then took it along with the chair and swung it around to lean it against the wall, so that he now had a huge empty space in front of him with nothing to push. There was 3 minutes left of class, but of course all of the students went silent and looked over to see what had just happened. My CT and I directed their attention back to their work but the sound of this boy's now stomping feet were distracting. Both of us ignored him and when class ended, 2/3 of the students went and hovered around the boy. Of course that just worked him up even more. The stomping got louder and he was now flailing his arms telling them to go away. I looked up at my CT and told her, "They're making it worse by standing there.." She nodded her head and then left the room. I thought she had gone to fetch their homeroom teacher. No... I found out 2 minutes later that she was casually walking back from the bathroom. After she left the room, I quietly tried to control the situation and ask the students to leave the classroom. Most of them did except a select few boys who stayed with the boy and tried to calm him down. He was now really moving and getting violent. This is only my second year of teaching, on top of not speaking these kids' language and coming from a completely different culture...I used every bit of knowledge that I had. Do I run and get his homeroom teacher or do I stay with them so that he doesn't injure himself or anyone else? I decided to quickly run and get the homeroom teacher. As she walked back to the classroom with me, I witnessed the boy being dragged out into the hallway on his chair. Yeah... this is how his classmates decided to go about the situation. Bless their hearts. As we got closer, the boy rose up and started violently hitting the other kids. Complete breakdown time. This is when I saw my CT walking back from the bathroom, expressionless. Not a bother in the world. I made the rest of the students in the hallway leave, and my next class who were all hanging out the doorway watching, to get back inside. The homeroom teacher and the school secretary, who happened to be on our floor, were now there so I gathered that it was my time to leave.

Before class started, I talked quickly to my CT about it. I asked her if he has some kind of services here. She went on to say that "No. His father does not want him in a 'special school.' In Korea, if your child is special and gets services, it means your child is low and that doesn't look good for the parents. I know in America, things are different." I finally got the facial expressions I was looking for.. she felt somewhat sorry for the boy. I don't know if it was quite empathy, but at least it was some sort of sympathy. Despite the fumes coming out of me, I, politely as I could,  said, "It's such a shame because it is SO SIMPLE to educate him and make him happy with the right services." Neglect. His father is neglectful. He, along with these other parents who are keeping their children in classrooms without the proper resources, are neglectful. And it is so wrong. This happens all over the world. I'm no longer just talking about Korea. We teachers, we see it all the time. And it breaks our hearts. She told me we need to ignore him (I could'v'e put a 10k bet on that response.) I told her that I did ignore the situation in the beginning but when the other students clearly started getting hurt, I needed to do something. She said I did everything right, which I'm having a hard time believing she fully meant, but I'll take it. I'm living in the culture of "saving face" and not wanting to be confrontational because that is seen as embarrassing.

I now had a class to teach and had to forget about all of this for the next 40 minutes. 30 minutes of that class consisted of me talking over the screaming from this boy coming from the hallway right outside our classroom. It was a bloody murder type scream. You know those kinds. What was unbearable, was not the screech and the volume themselves, but the fact that I felt completely and utterly helpless. I do not speak this kid's language. I see him twice a week for a total of 80 minutes. The help, the hug, the love, and the SAFETY I wanted to give this boy... I couldn't do it. Telling him it's okay, to calm down, and to give him the reassurance that I truly care about his well-being, his safety, and his education..were all things I just could not do. Instead I had to teach these 25 kids in front of me while listening to my student cry bloody murder 20 feet from me.

Later in the day, was a teacher's activities hour, which consisted of volleyball and a packed table of food and alcohol. This student's homeroom teacher was going on and on about what had happened. Very animated with her body. She put a hand on my shoulder and told me she was sorry and gave me a sympathetic smile. Teacher after teacher came up to me saying, "Sorry." "Oh, were you surprised?" I answered truthfully, "No. I was not surprised." It's as if everyone felt bad that the poor Native Teacher had to witness this in her class. I kept a smile on and tried not to make any sarcastic, rude remarks. I had just had it. I was ready to go home.

I started writing this entry yesterday.. so I'll continue on about what happened today. The homeroom teacher and the student came to my classroom about two hours ago and he apologized directly to me in Korean and in English. Honestly, I tried to look away because I felt tears coming. I must have told him at least 4 times in Korean, "thank you" and, "it's okay." I gave him a huge hug and I could have sworn I saw the tiniest smile form on his face. I hope that this is the breaking point for him in my class. I hope he sees that I am someone in his life who cares about him. From what I've seen, I'm not sure he has too many of them.




I know Korea is behind many countries. The country itself is only 60+ years old. As a friend said, they have a lot of growing to do. They have come so far in such a short amount of time. They went from being one of the poorest countries in the world who received international aid, to a country who can now afford to give it out... in just 60 years. It's quite amazing. But despite their advanced technology and fast-growing economy, they still have a long way to go. Their education system needs new ideas and resources. I hope this is where foreign teachers come in. If we can somehow make an impression on these teachers and administrators to realize that something needs to be done in terms of special education, then I believe we've come one step further to full acceptance of all people in this country.

First of Goodbyes/Teaching Reflection

It's Monday, December 24th. Christmas Eve. Tonight I will spend a magical night with my friends and tomorrow I will wake up to skype with my family while they all gather at my mom's house for NY's Christmas Eve. Later on, I will spend Christmas Day with my friends, eat more food, drink more wine, and come home to skype yet again with my family on their Christmas morning... many good things to look forward to in the next two days.

A few updates:
Last Friday, I said goodbye to one of my favorite students, Paul. From day one, I noticed his English abilities. He is by far the highest-level student I had this year. He challenges me as a teacher by asking abstract questions far beyond his years; he understands my sarcasm, and that says a lot as an ESL Teacher. He is everyone's friend because he is genuinely a good kid. Paul told me earlier in the week that he was moving to Seoul this weekend so Friday would be his last day. We had an early dismissal because of snow so I never got to see his class. When my CT made the announcement, I ran up to his homeroom class, where I told him what a pleasure it was teaching him and how I wish him all the luck in Seoul. As a foreign teacher here, you don't always get to connect with your students in these ways. It was nice that I was able to congratulate him on a job well-done this year.

I have about 200 students total, 1/3 of whom cannot carry a conversation more than, "Hi. How are you? I'm fine, thank you. And you?" It's the reality of English Education here, especially with such mixed-level classes in an Elementary School. I'll see my fourth graders again next year, but my sixth graders will be on into Middle School, so saying goodbye to some of them will be hard. Despite the students who I have yet to see advance, there are some who have shown tremendous improvement, and a lot of these students happen to be the mis-behaved ones in the beginning of the year. They figured out I meant business and that I was not here to play, but actually cared about their learning. As a teacher, seeing your students succeed is the reason we do what we do. Even the students who still have the same English vocabulary as 10 months ago, now have more confidence speaking the language. They are now comfortable standing up and speaking this global language in front of their peers. And that's enough for me. I didn't let one student slip through my fingers without speaking in my class. Every single one of my students spoke multiple times a week, whether they liked it or not. I've got to say the highlight of my year here, was when I got one of my special needs student to repeat an entire dialogue after me, and the whole class "oohed" and "ahhhed." These special needs kids don't get the chance to show what they can do, which is a shame, and something I've talked about on this blog multiple times. I gave him that chance, and everyone in the room, including my co-teacher was shocked. A quiet "see!" came out of my mouth, just loud enough for me to hear. Setting and instilling high, reasonable expectations- I can't say that enough. 

As a Native Guest English Teacher, I, along with many other foreigners, came to Korea thinking we would make this HUGE impact on these kids' lives. Well the reality is, is that this job is tough as hell and such a piece of cake all at the same time. Only my fellow foreign teachers can really understand this. The fact is, and my fellow certified-teachers have agreed with me on this one...I miss the daily challenge of being a teacher back home; the constant need to push yourself. Here, you see some of these students just once a week; lesson-plans were thrown out the door from the beginning because of the strict use of the textbook and classes randomly being cancelled last-minute. Discipline is so inconsistent with these kids, and English is sometimes seen as a joke, therefore, the English classroom is seen as the kids' playground. There is the challenge. I make interactive power points, make up games, find videos, make a fool out of myself in front of the room- anything to get them interested. And because of this effort, I often DO have really great days. Days where everyone is on their game, the students are excited to be there, the content clicks, co-teaching is on par, and overall- everyone is happy and learning. The piece of cake part- I am at my desk half of our day, because there's just nothing to do. I can't give out homework; I don't handle assessments or evaluations; I don't have parent-teacher conferences; I don't have staff development meetings, etc. I don't have any of those things. I'm most likely annoying my friends back home with my constant status updates. But I look at  my fellow foreign teachers here.. what are they doing?.. oh yeah they're on facebook too haha. Of course I'm not speaking for everyone. A lot of high school teachers have much more work than the elementary level do here. Hagwon teachers work their asses off. You would think I have it "best" and maybe I'm just a nerd, but I can't wait to get back to the States so that I can feel like my career is worth the years of education and money I spent to get to where I am. 

As I write this, I feel a sense of guilt, because as a teacher, it is your job to make these students interested EVERYDAY they step into that classroom. I can honestly say I try my damn hardest to do that here. If you are reading this as a teacher back home, you may not understand this next part, but you won't..until you move your life to a foreign country and teach this global language in a culture that is so very different from your own. It is then when you will realize that on some days, just getting by is the best thing you can ask for. I came here and had to throw out half of my teaching methods and techniques, stop comparing American Education to Korean Education, let go of the fact that I can't discipline these students to my fullest because.. well.. the emotion and words simply do NOT get across. The best I could do was learn what this culture was about, learn what their Education System was like, and figure out how I could take my teaching experience back home, and adapt it to this culture. It has been, by far, one of the biggest obstacles in my short life. I am an educator. I always have been. One thing hasn't changed.. I still hold high, reasonable expectations for these kids. I want to see everyone of them succeed, and I am elated when they do. Here in Korea, I do the best I can with what I have. Sure, I've had to let go of some things, but I like to believe that maybe that's made me a better teacher. When I go home I will have to remember and study-up on some things I have left behind after these two years. I'll have to get back in the groove of American Education and its expectations. It's taken a year... but I've accepted the teacher I've become here.

In other news, I'm off on a plane to Taiwan in 5 days. I will be traveling by myself. I'm nervous, excited, anxious, thrilled, and scared all at the same time. I will be starting in Taipei, spending New Years there. I will be traveling down the east coast, hitting Huaelin (where I will see the infamous Taroko Gorge), Taitung, (where I will hopefully feed and play with some wild monkeys), down to Kenting (a beach town at the southern tip of the country, which I probably won't want to leave), back up the west coast to Tainan, (the former capital city, which remains the most cultural city in the country), then back up to Taipei where I decided I'm treating myself to a nice hotel after 7 days of hostels. *Jacuzzi/hot-tub required.  

I'll leave you with some pictures for my non-fb readers of some Christmas cheer here in Korea..

Downtown Andong's Christmas Tree

Me and Simon

12 Pubs of Christmas.. thanks to the Irish and Simon's birthday

Caroling Day

Me, Ariel, and Charles

Early Dismissal = Snowball fights

Tried to make my office feel Christmasy

Lisa brought us back goods from California.. My gift- Flax Snax! haha

Me and Suzanne

My 4th graders came to visit me =)

Caroling

My daily walk home from school

Cutie!!

2nd Early Dismissal

Open Mic

Fun in the Snow!

My other school had a good-bye party for me: I won't be teaching there again until March, and it was the last time I would see my sixth graders. The kids had me wait in a different class for twenty minutes while they set up. It was the funniest thing. Complete with candles lit on the floor lighting my way through the classroom. Balloon crown, food, drink, cards. It was lovely =)

5th graders

Me and Tom, and my beauty of a balloon crown

1st and 2nd graders

My lovely white board turned card

"Girls only picture"

There are the candles. Bahaha can't make this shit up.