Anyway, I'm about to be interrupted by Lloyd, for we are buying our tickets to Cambodia/Thailand today! Finally got the go-ahead from my Vice Principal after nagging my co-teachers every day for the past two weeks. "Make sure you ask him for permission when he gets back from his business meeting (which yes, lasted two weeks.) I need to buy my tickets!" They pulled through in the end. Thank goodness. I'm not made of money people.
So, this post is basically going to be treated like a diary. Maybe because writing about it in my personal journal is not good enough like it usually is. Or maybe the thought that it's out in the public and I feel like I'm really sharing my emotions with people (even if only a handful of people read this) will help me. Either way, I'm about to share a whole lot of info that I rarely share with people, but I'm hoping it will help me get through these next few months. Thank you Orlando- for making me slooooowly open up about my emotions. Yeah.. I'm one of those.
First off, let's go back in time and get in to what I have been up to for the past three months. After Thailand it was back to work, back to the kids, and the awaiting of the boy. Autumn crept in slowly but surely, and was gone in an instant. That's Korea for ya. Summer and Winter are extreme and last FOREVER. Spring and Autumn.. well you barely say hello to them before they vanish. I admit, this country in the autumn is beautiful. New York takes the prize, but Korea deserves a definite spot. Not a lot happened in September.. it was the usual getting back into work mode and coming to reality that I was no longer on vacation on a tropical island.
October hit and man did time slow down. Orlando arrived on the 12th, and those next two weeks were absolutely perfect. We spent a good amount of time in Seoul. Spent a night in Daegu celebrating my birthday with some friends. I had to work during this time, minus the two days I played some hookey. Shh. So we made the best out of it and I was able to get in most of what I wanted him to see and experience. He knows this, but I am forever grateful that he was able to make this trip. We're both beyond lucky we found each other. We share a mutual love for traveling, and that's something that we have promised each other we will continue. Already making plans.. So skip the whole leaving him at the airport scene, because I never want to go through that one ever again.. He's home safe, and we're getting through the next three months.. some how. But we are.
That was a little over a month ago, and here we are.. late November. Thanksgiving is in three days, which means it's the beginning of the holiday season. And for expats that means homesickness at its finest. Last year was tough but this year I was prepared. It's cold; you want to cuddle up in your home with some hot chocolate. Your family is constantly around. There's good food to be eaten, laughs and stories to be had. It's a magical time. A time to reconnect with the ones you love. When you are not near any of that.. it hurts. It's tough.
Now for the deep stuff..
I've been going through a bit of a mini-depression if we must call it that. Over the past month I have lost interest in things that once interested me. I have distanced myself from my friends here. My typical day is something like this.. I go to work until 4:30. I head straight to the gym for an hour and a half.By the time I get home it's around 7pm. I make dinner and I sit down to at least two episodes of Breaking Bad (Yes, I'm a little late on that train. And yes, I'm addicted.) I go to sleep and do it all over again. I rarely talk to anyone throughout the day. I bail on plans. I avoid coffee shops where I think I will see people. This is not me. And it's starting to really take a toll on me.
There are some underlying problems that I know I'm going through. In the beginning of this post I felt I could open up about them in detail, but I changed my mind on that. So I'll just give you the general issues going on that are making me pull away from everyone and everything here in Korea. (Exception: #1. I feel as though this one needs some serious ventilation so I don't blow.)
1. I have become obsessed with clean-eating. I have always had an unhealthy relationship with food (Let's just be real.. I've always had a fucked up relationship with food.) The guilt I feel after I treat myself to something or give in to something my body is clearly craving, is really starting to get to me. These past two weeks I've been reading blog after blog on ways to deal with food guilt and enjoying everything you consume. That is what's behind guilt-free eating. When you enjoy what you are putting into your body, everything you are putting into your body, you won't have the guilt when you treat yourself to something "un-clean."
This is basically what my kitchen contains:
quinoa
oats (steel-cut and old fashioned)
legumes (kidney beans, black beans, mung beans, lentils)
dark greens (spinach, kale)
veggies (zucchini, squash, pumpkin, eggplant, carrots)
fruit (whatever is in season.. but always bananas and apples)
almond milk
chia seed
flax seed
isolate whey protein powder
raw natural almond butter/peanut butter
yellow mustard (the one condiment I allow myself.)
I just ordered nutritional yeast. which I'm really excited about.
Vegan much?
Now you may think, okay this is a normal clean-eating lifestyle. Yes, it is. I am educated. I eat my 5 small meals a day. I fuel my body pre and post- workout. I know I'm eating clean. So yes.. this is a normal clean lifestyle.
Except for one problem.. and that's my complete inability to have something the LEAST bit "unclean" and not feel like complete and utter shit.
I am so terrified of slipping and going back to how I was. Was I overweight? Absolutely not. Did I eat crap all day? No. I've always been health conscious; made healthy choices; had an active lifestyle. But I was nowhere near as disciplined as I am now. I am both afraid and excited for home. I will have access to foods and supplements that I do not have access to here. There are so many recipes I want to try. But I am also going home to bars, late night food, foods I've missed, a much MUCH busier schedule (which means getting to the gym or Bikram will be much more of a feat), larger restaurant portions, friends who don't share the same lifestyle I do.
I'm hoping the knowledge and the discipline I have now will carry over.
I'm hoping the guilt and the obsessiveness do not.
So after all of the blogs I've been reading on people who have been through the same thing I'm currently going through... It all comes down to.. Enjoy your food.
That way when a big craving strikes..
1. You won't over-indulge or binge.
2. You will enjoy it instead of feeling guilt.
Really take a look at your lifestyle.
You're not an idiot.
You know you're eating the cleanest foods you can find.
You ARE making good choices.
You're making substitutions everywhere you know you can. Yes, I make chickpea chocolate chip cookies. Yes I make protein powder syrup for my pancakes. Yes, I never eat red meat at home. Yes I make "flax eggs." Yes I use nutritional yeast as cheese. Yes I use Greek yogurt for every creamy ingredient that comes along. Yes I only use coconut oil.
You look great.
You're getting your ass to the gym.
You're educated.
You've done the research.
You CAN indulge a little bit. You're allowed to.
You're allowed to eat that piece of bread. You're allowed to have an extra tablespoon of peanut butter once in a while. You can try your friend's new recipe.
You over-indulge. Fine. You say, "Okay. that happened. It's done. It's over. Tomorrow is a fresh new start."
Only you know your own body. Listen to it. Give it what it wants. Cut it some slack once in a while.
"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense." -Ralph Waldo Emerson
Back to my list..
2. My dad. We haven't spoken in years. I guess he always pops into my head around the holidays. Reality hits like a tsunami. I realize that he is completely out of my life.
3. My brothers. One in particular is going through some stuff and all I want to do is be there for him. Around him. Helping him.. trying to at least. As much as he'll let me.
4. The holidays. Korea's Christmas is almost non-existent. I want to be near my family. I have a family of friends here and I'm thankful. But I need my family.
5. New family. I am expecting a new niece or nephew any day now. My new cousin was just born.
6. My other half. I am in love with this incredible man who makes me become the best version of myself. We have had to say goodbye for months at a time- twice now. We have seen each other in 2 and 3 week increments. When I come home, I will be home for good. No more goodbyes like that. No more countdowns. No more skype. No more dropped calls. The anticipation of all of that is killing me. It's killing us. But we've proved long distance works. And this thing is lasting.
Orlando and my mother told me the exact same things. They were just the right amount of harsh. I needed that. Badly. I need to get back to the mindset I was in when I first came to Korea. The mindset where excitement and new experiences covered the fact that I was away from home. I need to do the things and see the things I've yet to experience here in Korea before I leave. Because the reality is... in exactly 3 months and 2 days, I will be boarding a flight to the States where all of this will be mere memories. I want them to be great memories. And the truth is... I WILL miss this place. I will miss this point in my life. I need to be present-minded. I need to continue to take it in. I need this time. I need to savor it. My mom is right... I don't want to look back at my last few months and see myself giving up; throwing in the towel way too early. There are too many things I've yet to see. Yet to do.
So I've made some goals for myself. Some personal gains I need to make. Some personal changes I need to make in my life. By the end of this I will have spent two years of my life here. 24 months in this beautiful, crazy, country they call South Korea. I've said it before, and I will say it again.. I am BEYOND grateful for my life here. My friends, my co-teachers, my students. This country, this experience has changed me in more ways than I knew. It's made me open up to find out who I really am. And you know what, I realized that a big part of who I am is my family. I am very close to them. And that's not a bad thing. Is it affecting my time here? Absolutely it is. In a bad way? Not in the slightest. It's just a fact. I've always had their support. And I continue to have it. Am I adaptable as I thought I was? I've realized it varies greatly on the situation. I went on a solo trip to a foreign country. I did a two-day trek through a village where almost every resource we were used to was taken away. I pushed my body and mind to go through the extremes. I have encountered so much here. Every expat does. We go through times of struggle, heartbreak, homesickness, culture-shock, and doubt. It all comes back to that one thought.. I am in ________!!! For me, I am in Korea!!! I moved here, knowing not a soul. I made friends who are now my family. I made connections that will last me a lifetime. The connections you make while traveling are incomparable. They are full of depth, culture, differences, and interest. I am thankful for every single on of those connections, no matter how big or small.
The life of an expat. They don't prepare you for these feelings towards the end. There are SO many feelings. They can be confusing, exciting, and just overall crazy.
"Be comfortable being uncomfortable. It may get tough, but it's a small price to pay for living a dream." - Peter McWilliams
That was a little over a month ago, and here we are.. late November. Thanksgiving is in three days, which means it's the beginning of the holiday season. And for expats that means homesickness at its finest. Last year was tough but this year I was prepared. It's cold; you want to cuddle up in your home with some hot chocolate. Your family is constantly around. There's good food to be eaten, laughs and stories to be had. It's a magical time. A time to reconnect with the ones you love. When you are not near any of that.. it hurts. It's tough.
Now for the deep stuff..
I've been going through a bit of a mini-depression if we must call it that. Over the past month I have lost interest in things that once interested me. I have distanced myself from my friends here. My typical day is something like this.. I go to work until 4:30. I head straight to the gym for an hour and a half.By the time I get home it's around 7pm. I make dinner and I sit down to at least two episodes of Breaking Bad (Yes, I'm a little late on that train. And yes, I'm addicted.) I go to sleep and do it all over again. I rarely talk to anyone throughout the day. I bail on plans. I avoid coffee shops where I think I will see people. This is not me. And it's starting to really take a toll on me.
There are some underlying problems that I know I'm going through. In the beginning of this post I felt I could open up about them in detail, but I changed my mind on that. So I'll just give you the general issues going on that are making me pull away from everyone and everything here in Korea. (Exception: #1. I feel as though this one needs some serious ventilation so I don't blow.)
1. I have become obsessed with clean-eating. I have always had an unhealthy relationship with food (Let's just be real.. I've always had a fucked up relationship with food.) The guilt I feel after I treat myself to something or give in to something my body is clearly craving, is really starting to get to me. These past two weeks I've been reading blog after blog on ways to deal with food guilt and enjoying everything you consume. That is what's behind guilt-free eating. When you enjoy what you are putting into your body, everything you are putting into your body, you won't have the guilt when you treat yourself to something "un-clean."
Orthorexia. The name Physician Steven Bratman came up with, for people who simply have an obsession for healthy eating. They are preoccupied with eating the cleanest, purest, healthiest (aka "clean") foods, and avoiding anything artificial or "toxic." Officially classifying this as an eating disorder is controversial. Orthorexia Nervosa does not appear in the DSM-IV as are anorexia and bulimia. Opponents wonder "Since when did choosing a lifestyle that eliminates junk food become a disease?"
Personally I really don't know where I stand on this matter. I'm coming from my experiences over the past few months. I came back to Korea wanting to better myself. My first year here I let myself go.. badly. I knew I wanted to get back into the shape I was in before I left for this country. I did that.. and I went beyond it. I researched hours upon hours of recipes, articles, blogs, and workouts. I do HIIT workouts 4-5 times a week. I weight lift 6 days a week. I spend ridiculous amounts of money on clean foods on iherb that are not found here in Korea. I realized the other day i have been basically eating like a vegan 75% of the time over the past 9 months.This is basically what my kitchen contains:
quinoa
oats (steel-cut and old fashioned)
legumes (kidney beans, black beans, mung beans, lentils)
dark greens (spinach, kale)
veggies (zucchini, squash, pumpkin, eggplant, carrots)
fruit (whatever is in season.. but always bananas and apples)
almond milk
chia seed
flax seed
isolate whey protein powder
raw natural almond butter/peanut butter
yellow mustard (the one condiment I allow myself.)
I just ordered nutritional yeast. which I'm really excited about.
Vegan much?
Now you may think, okay this is a normal clean-eating lifestyle. Yes, it is. I am educated. I eat my 5 small meals a day. I fuel my body pre and post- workout. I know I'm eating clean. So yes.. this is a normal clean lifestyle.
Except for one problem.. and that's my complete inability to have something the LEAST bit "unclean" and not feel like complete and utter shit.
- It's my inability to go to a weekly "Girl's Night" with my friends and have a piece of damn bread with the soup they made. It's my inability to BUY bread myself. (Now.. Korea has no such thing as ezekiel or whole wheat so I'm trying to not make this a major point.)
- It's my inability to have one of their meals because although it has nice lean chicken and veggies, they put some kind of sauce in it or a little salt that upped the sodium to a level I can't consciously eat.
- It's having chips and salsa at a South African braai and wanting to take it all back because even though it was about 5 chips total and no more than 2 tablespoons of salsa.. it came from a jar full of sodium, preservatives and other crap that my body doesn't need. It's the fact that I'm yelling inside, "Why couldn't you just cut up some tomatoes, onions etc, added some spices and call it a day. Perfectly clean salsa right there.
- No. it doesn't matter that it's a special occasion. Do I buy this stuff myself. No. Do I have it every day? No.
- Do I bake delicious carrot cakes for myself every day? No. So can I enjoy the piece cut for me for my birthday, made by one of my best friends, a pastry chef? No, I can't. It's absolutely delicious. I'll eat it of course. I will savor every bite. But every time I swallow, I'm thinking what the hell did I just do that for?
I am so terrified of slipping and going back to how I was. Was I overweight? Absolutely not. Did I eat crap all day? No. I've always been health conscious; made healthy choices; had an active lifestyle. But I was nowhere near as disciplined as I am now. I am both afraid and excited for home. I will have access to foods and supplements that I do not have access to here. There are so many recipes I want to try. But I am also going home to bars, late night food, foods I've missed, a much MUCH busier schedule (which means getting to the gym or Bikram will be much more of a feat), larger restaurant portions, friends who don't share the same lifestyle I do.
I'm hoping the knowledge and the discipline I have now will carry over.
I'm hoping the guilt and the obsessiveness do not.
So after all of the blogs I've been reading on people who have been through the same thing I'm currently going through... It all comes down to.. Enjoy your food.
That way when a big craving strikes..
1. You won't over-indulge or binge.
2. You will enjoy it instead of feeling guilt.
Really take a look at your lifestyle.
You're not an idiot.
You know you're eating the cleanest foods you can find.
You ARE making good choices.
You're making substitutions everywhere you know you can. Yes, I make chickpea chocolate chip cookies. Yes I make protein powder syrup for my pancakes. Yes, I never eat red meat at home. Yes I make "flax eggs." Yes I use nutritional yeast as cheese. Yes I use Greek yogurt for every creamy ingredient that comes along. Yes I only use coconut oil.
You look great.
You're getting your ass to the gym.
You're educated.
You've done the research.
You CAN indulge a little bit. You're allowed to.
You're allowed to eat that piece of bread. You're allowed to have an extra tablespoon of peanut butter once in a while. You can try your friend's new recipe.
You over-indulge. Fine. You say, "Okay. that happened. It's done. It's over. Tomorrow is a fresh new start."
Only you know your own body. Listen to it. Give it what it wants. Cut it some slack once in a while.
"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense." -Ralph Waldo Emerson
Back to my list..
2. My dad. We haven't spoken in years. I guess he always pops into my head around the holidays. Reality hits like a tsunami. I realize that he is completely out of my life.
3. My brothers. One in particular is going through some stuff and all I want to do is be there for him. Around him. Helping him.. trying to at least. As much as he'll let me.
4. The holidays. Korea's Christmas is almost non-existent. I want to be near my family. I have a family of friends here and I'm thankful. But I need my family.
5. New family. I am expecting a new niece or nephew any day now. My new cousin was just born.
6. My other half. I am in love with this incredible man who makes me become the best version of myself. We have had to say goodbye for months at a time- twice now. We have seen each other in 2 and 3 week increments. When I come home, I will be home for good. No more goodbyes like that. No more countdowns. No more skype. No more dropped calls. The anticipation of all of that is killing me. It's killing us. But we've proved long distance works. And this thing is lasting.
Orlando and my mother told me the exact same things. They were just the right amount of harsh. I needed that. Badly. I need to get back to the mindset I was in when I first came to Korea. The mindset where excitement and new experiences covered the fact that I was away from home. I need to do the things and see the things I've yet to experience here in Korea before I leave. Because the reality is... in exactly 3 months and 2 days, I will be boarding a flight to the States where all of this will be mere memories. I want them to be great memories. And the truth is... I WILL miss this place. I will miss this point in my life. I need to be present-minded. I need to continue to take it in. I need this time. I need to savor it. My mom is right... I don't want to look back at my last few months and see myself giving up; throwing in the towel way too early. There are too many things I've yet to see. Yet to do.
So I've made some goals for myself. Some personal gains I need to make. Some personal changes I need to make in my life. By the end of this I will have spent two years of my life here. 24 months in this beautiful, crazy, country they call South Korea. I've said it before, and I will say it again.. I am BEYOND grateful for my life here. My friends, my co-teachers, my students. This country, this experience has changed me in more ways than I knew. It's made me open up to find out who I really am. And you know what, I realized that a big part of who I am is my family. I am very close to them. And that's not a bad thing. Is it affecting my time here? Absolutely it is. In a bad way? Not in the slightest. It's just a fact. I've always had their support. And I continue to have it. Am I adaptable as I thought I was? I've realized it varies greatly on the situation. I went on a solo trip to a foreign country. I did a two-day trek through a village where almost every resource we were used to was taken away. I pushed my body and mind to go through the extremes. I have encountered so much here. Every expat does. We go through times of struggle, heartbreak, homesickness, culture-shock, and doubt. It all comes back to that one thought.. I am in ________!!! For me, I am in Korea!!! I moved here, knowing not a soul. I made friends who are now my family. I made connections that will last me a lifetime. The connections you make while traveling are incomparable. They are full of depth, culture, differences, and interest. I am thankful for every single on of those connections, no matter how big or small.
The life of an expat. They don't prepare you for these feelings towards the end. There are SO many feelings. They can be confusing, exciting, and just overall crazy.
"Be comfortable being uncomfortable. It may get tough, but it's a small price to pay for living a dream." - Peter McWilliams
