Finish Each Day And Be Done With It..

I have really been slacking with this blog, so I apologize. But I'm sitting down today with my hot cup of Dunkin coffee and the two donuts I probably shouldn't have just consumed after a hardcore leg day at the gym. I don't even like donuts. No, that's not a joke. Therefore my body is craving carbs.. (clearly not the good kind.) To be fair I did have some awesome Zucchini Protein Pancakes and a Stuffed Kabocha Squash with black beans and other goodness.

Anyway, I'm about to be interrupted by Lloyd, for we are buying our tickets to Cambodia/Thailand today! Finally got the go-ahead from my Vice Principal after nagging my co-teachers every day for the past two weeks. "Make sure you ask him for permission when he gets back from his business meeting (which yes, lasted two weeks.) I need to buy my tickets!" They pulled through in the end. Thank goodness. I'm not made of money people.

So, this post is basically going to be treated like a diary. Maybe because writing about it in my personal journal is not good enough like it usually is. Or maybe the thought that it's out in the public and I feel like I'm really sharing my emotions with people (even if only a handful of people read this) will help me. Either way, I'm about to share a whole lot of info that I rarely share with people, but I'm hoping it will help me get through these next few months. Thank you Orlando- for making me slooooowly open up about my emotions. Yeah.. I'm one of those. 

First off, let's go back in time and get in to what I have been up to for the past three months. After Thailand it was back to work, back to the kids, and the awaiting of the boy. Autumn crept in slowly but surely, and was gone in an instant. That's Korea for ya. Summer and Winter are extreme and last FOREVER. Spring and Autumn.. well you barely say hello to them before they vanish. I admit, this country in the autumn is beautiful. New York takes the prize, but Korea deserves a definite spot. Not a lot happened in September.. it was the usual getting back into work mode and coming to reality that I was no longer on vacation on a tropical island. 

October hit and man did time slow down. Orlando arrived on the 12th, and those next two weeks were absolutely perfect. We spent a good amount of time in Seoul. Spent a night in Daegu celebrating my birthday with some friends. I had to work during this time, minus the two days I played some hookey. Shh. So we made the best out of it and I was able to get in most of what I wanted him to see and experience. He knows this, but I am forever grateful that he was able to make this trip. We're both beyond lucky we found each other. We share a mutual love for traveling, and that's something that we have promised each other we will continue. Already making plans..  So skip the whole leaving him at the airport scene, because I never want to go through that one ever again.. He's home safe, and we're getting through the next three months.. some how. But we are.

That was a little over a month ago, and here we are.. late November. Thanksgiving is in three days, which means it's the beginning of the holiday season. And for expats that means homesickness at its finest. Last year was tough but this year I was prepared. It's cold; you want to cuddle up in your home with some hot chocolate. Your family is constantly around. There's good food to be eaten, laughs and stories to be had. It's a magical time. A time to reconnect with the ones you love. When you are not near any of that.. it hurts. It's tough.


Now for the deep stuff..
I've been going through a bit of a mini-depression if we must call it that. Over the past month I have lost interest in things that once interested me. I have distanced myself from my friends here. My typical day is something like this.. I go to work until 4:30. I head straight to the gym for an hour and a half.By the time I get home it's around 7pm. I make dinner and I sit down to at least two episodes of Breaking Bad (Yes, I'm a little late on that train. And yes, I'm addicted.) I go to sleep and do it all over again. I rarely talk to anyone throughout the day. I bail on plans. I avoid coffee shops where I think I will see people. This is not me. And it's starting to really take a toll on me. 

There are some underlying problems that I know I'm going through. In the beginning of this post I felt I could open up about them in detail, but I changed my mind on that. So I'll just give you the general issues going on that are making me pull away from everyone and everything here in Korea. (Exception: #1. I feel as though this one needs some serious ventilation so I don't blow.)

1. I have become obsessed with clean-eating. I have always had an unhealthy relationship with food (Let's just be real.. I've always had a fucked up relationship with food.) The guilt I feel after I treat myself to something or give in to something my body is clearly craving, is really starting to get to me. These past two weeks I've been reading blog after blog on ways to deal with food guilt and enjoying everything you consume. That is what's behind guilt-free eating. When you enjoy what you are putting into your body, everything you are putting into your body, you won't have the guilt when you treat yourself to something "un-clean."

Orthorexia. The name Physician Steven Bratman came up with, for people who simply have an obsession for healthy eating. They are preoccupied with eating the cleanest, purest, healthiest (aka "clean") foods, and avoiding anything artificial or "toxic." Officially classifying this as an eating disorder is controversial. Orthorexia Nervosa does not appear in the DSM-IV as are anorexia and bulimia. Opponents wonder "Since when did choosing a lifestyle that eliminates junk food become a disease?"

Personally I really don't know where I stand on this matter. I'm coming from my experiences over the past few months. I came back to Korea wanting to better myself. My first year here I let myself go.. badly. I knew I wanted to get back into the shape I was in before I left for this country. I did that.. and I went beyond it. I researched hours upon hours of recipes, articles, blogs, and workouts. I do HIIT workouts 4-5 times a week. I weight lift 6 days a week. I spend ridiculous amounts of money on clean foods on iherb that are not found here in Korea. I realized the other day i have been basically eating like a vegan 75% of the time over the past 9 months.

This is basically what my kitchen contains:
quinoa
oats (steel-cut and old fashioned)
legumes (kidney beans, black beans, mung beans, lentils)
dark greens (spinach, kale)
veggies (zucchini, squash, pumpkin, eggplant, carrots)
fruit (whatever is in season.. but always bananas and apples)
almond milk
chia seed
flax seed
isolate whey protein powder
raw natural almond butter/peanut butter
yellow mustard (the one condiment I allow myself.)
I just ordered nutritional yeast. which I'm really excited about.

Vegan much?

Now you may think, okay this is a normal clean-eating lifestyle. Yes, it is. I am educated. I eat my 5 small meals a day. I fuel my body pre and post- workout. I know I'm eating clean. So yes.. this is a normal clean lifestyle.

Except for one problem.. and that's my complete inability to have something the LEAST bit "unclean" and not feel like complete and utter shit.

• It's my inability to go to a weekly "Girl's Night" with my friends and have a piece of damn bread with the soup they made. It's my inability to BUY bread myself. (Now.. Korea has no such thing as ezekiel or whole wheat so I'm trying to not make this a major point.)
• It's my inability to have one of their meals because although it has nice lean chicken and veggies, they put some kind of sauce in it or a little salt that upped the sodium to a level I can't consciously eat.
• It's having chips and salsa at a South African braai and wanting to take it all back because even though it was about 5 chips total and no more than 2 tablespoons of salsa.. it came from a jar full of sodium, preservatives and other crap that my body doesn't need. It's the fact that I'm yelling inside, "Why couldn't you just cut up some tomatoes, onions etc, added some spices and call it a day. Perfectly clean salsa right there.
• No. it doesn't matter that it's a special occasion. Do I buy this stuff myself. No. Do I have it every day? No.
• Do I bake delicious carrot cakes for myself every day? No. So can I enjoy the piece cut for me for my birthday, made by one of my best friends, a pastry chef? No, I can't. It's absolutely delicious. I'll eat it of course. I will savor every bite. But every time I swallow, I'm thinking what the hell did I just do that for?

It's exhausting. It is so mentally draining. I have been dealing with food issues since I was in 6th grade. 11 years old. I'm 24. I know who I am. I'm not that insecure little pre-teen anymore. Enough is enough.
I am so terrified of slipping and going back to how I was. Was I overweight? Absolutely not. Did I eat crap all day? No. I've always been health conscious; made healthy choices; had an active lifestyle. But I was nowhere near as disciplined as I am now. I am both afraid and excited for home. I will have access to foods and supplements that I do not have access to here. There are so many recipes I want to try. But I am also going home to bars, late night food, foods I've missed, a much MUCH busier schedule (which means getting to the gym or Bikram will be much more of a feat), larger restaurant portions, friends who don't share the same lifestyle I do.

I'm hoping the knowledge and the discipline I have now will carry over.
I'm hoping the guilt and the obsessiveness do not.


So after all of the blogs I've been reading on people who have been through the same thing I'm currently going through... It all comes down to.. Enjoy your food.
That way when a big craving strikes..
1. You won't over-indulge or binge.
2. You will enjoy it instead of feeling guilt.
Really take a look at your lifestyle.
You're not an idiot.
You know you're eating the cleanest foods you can find.
You ARE making good choices.
You're making substitutions everywhere you know you can. Yes, I make chickpea chocolate chip cookies. Yes I make protein powder syrup for my pancakes. Yes, I never eat red meat at home. Yes I make "flax eggs." Yes I use nutritional yeast as cheese. Yes I use Greek yogurt for every creamy ingredient that comes along. Yes I only use coconut oil.
You look great.
You're getting your ass to the gym.
You're educated.
You've done the research.
You CAN indulge a little bit. You're allowed to.
You're allowed to eat that piece of bread. You're allowed to have an extra tablespoon of peanut butter once in a while. You can try your friend's new recipe.

You over-indulge. Fine. You say, "Okay. that happened. It's done. It's over. Tomorrow is a fresh new start."

Only you know your own body. Listen to it. Give it what it wants. Cut it some slack once in a while.

"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered  with your old nonsense." -Ralph Waldo Emerson  


Back to my list..

2. My dad. We haven't spoken in years. I guess he always pops into my head around the holidays. Reality hits like a tsunami. I realize that he is completely out of my life.

3. My brothers. One in particular is going through some stuff and all I want to do is be there for him. Around him. Helping him.. trying to at least. As much as he'll let me.

4. The holidays. Korea's Christmas is almost non-existent. I want to be near my family. I have a family of friends here and I'm thankful. But I need my family.

5. New family. I am expecting a new niece or nephew any day now. My new cousin was just born.

6. My other half. I am in love with this incredible man who makes me become the best version of myself. We have had to say goodbye for months at a time- twice now. We have seen each other in 2 and 3 week increments. When I come home, I will be home for good. No more goodbyes like that. No more countdowns. No more skype. No more dropped calls. The anticipation of all of that is killing me. It's killing us. But we've proved long distance works. And this thing is lasting. 

Orlando and my mother told me the exact same things. They were just the right amount of harsh. I needed that. Badly. I need to get back to the mindset I was in when I first came to Korea. The mindset where excitement and new experiences covered the fact that I was away from home. I need to do the things and see the things I've yet to experience here in Korea before I leave. Because the reality is... in exactly 3 months and 2 days, I will be boarding a flight to the States where all of this will be mere memories. I want them to be great memories. And the truth is... I WILL miss this place. I will miss this point in my life. I need to be present-minded. I need to continue to take it in. I need this time. I need to savor it. My mom is right... I don't want to look back at my last few months and see myself giving up; throwing in the towel way too early. There are too many things I've yet to see. Yet to do. 

So I've made some goals for myself. Some personal gains I need to make. Some personal changes I need to make in my life. By the end of this I will have spent two years of my life here. 24 months in this beautiful, crazy, country they call South Korea. I've said it before, and I will say it again.. I am BEYOND grateful for my life here. My friends, my co-teachers, my students. This country, this experience has changed me in more ways than I knew. It's made me open up to find out who I really am. And you know what, I realized that a big part of who I am is my family. I am very close to them. And that's not a bad thing. Is it affecting my time here? Absolutely it is. In a bad way? Not in the slightest. It's just a fact. I've always had their support. And I continue to have it. Am I adaptable as I thought I was? I've realized it varies greatly on the situation. I went on a solo trip to a foreign country. I did a two-day trek through a village where almost every resource we were used to was taken away. I pushed my body and mind to go through the extremes. I have encountered so much here. Every expat does. We go through times of struggle, heartbreak, homesickness, culture-shock, and doubt. It all comes back to that one thought.. I am in ________!!! For me, I am in Korea!!! I moved here, knowing not a soul. I made friends who are now my family. I made connections that will last me a lifetime. The connections you make while traveling are incomparable. They are full of depth, culture, differences, and interest. I am thankful for every single on of those connections, no matter how big or small.

The life of an expat. They don't prepare you for these feelings towards the end. There are SO many feelings. They can be confusing, exciting, and just overall crazy.

"Be comfortable being uncomfortable. It may get tough, but it's a small price to pay for living a dream." - Peter McWilliams

How To Keep a Healthy Lifestyle In SoKo

WARNING: You WILL be hungry after reading this entry:

Moving to a foreign country will absolutely test your body, your willpower, and your drive to keep the lifestyle you deserve. When I came to Korea 14 months ago, I was at my healthiest. Bikram yoga became my life. Talk to anyone who regularly practices Bikram.. they'll tell you it IS a lifestyle. I was in that studio 4-5 days/week. I have always been a health-conscious eater, so nothing new there. However a few months into my life in Korea I was quite noticeably gaining some weight. At first I didn't understand what it was. I stayed away from the white rice the second I stepped foot in this country. I wasn't overeating. I was being semi-active, though no where near when I was at home. I had worked so hard for the past year on reshaping my body, so it took an emotional toll. What I realized is that it was a combination of many things including, the lack of Bikram and less active lifestyle in general, the alcohol consumption similar to that of my freshman year of college, the salty Korean food, the bakeries on every corner, the coffee, and the change of environment and the stress that comes along with it.

Some advice on staying healthy in Korea

1. Stop eating the school lunches.

    Or at least cut back. Yes, they are absolutely delicious. Yes, it's a great money and time saver, cutting back on food prep on your part. Yes, it's going to be somewhat of an internal struggle on the whole is this the "culturally appropriate" thing to do thing. In Korean schools, everyone (teachers and students) eat the school lunch and it is the time of day where the school community is brought together. However, your lunch at school alone will most likely exceed your daily salt intake. This is what I didn't realize until way later. That red pepper paste is filled with salt, and boy do those Koreans LOVE their red pepper paste. It's in soup, tofu, noodles, chicken, pork, veggies, and yes... even broccoli. Their meat is not lean, so you're going to get the fat in all its glory when you're served beef and pork. Most of their chicken is fried and/or breaded. The majority of the soups contain a good amount of oil, and the white rice.. well that speaks for itself. On some days your tray will contain noodles, rice, rice cakes, and a mini fruit filled croissant all in the same meal. Talk about carb and starch overload. So, this is where you should start. This is an entire meal- You are in charge of your own body and what goes into it.

*The only problem here is the culture aspect. It is considered rude to not eat with your co-teachers at school. Most will find it offensive. Some schools let teachers serve themselves (which helps with portion control. My school however- we are served by the lunch ladies, so even though I am constantly, kindly, telling them "jogeum juseyo" ("please give me a little") it is still hard for them to understand why I am wanting so little food. I admit I have yet to tell my school I am not eating their lunch anymore. Every time I go and try to tell them, I get anxiety and can't go through with it for this exact cultural reason. What I do do, is kindly refuse the rice (I mean I don't eat it anyway so why waste it), and choose very carefully what I eat. I waste a lot of food, but until I can decide to tell them I am no longer eating their lunches, this is okay with me for now. If you go this route- make sure you're bringing something for protein to school. I personally bring either hard boiled eggs, baked or boiled sweet potato, and/or nuts. **A piece of advice, Koreans know what "diet" means. Even though you're not dieting, you're living a healthy lifestyle, if you are getting looks and comments from co-workers as to why you're not eating certain things, just say "Moshisoyo! But I am on a diet." Personally, I've done the whole "Moshisoyo!! But makes me fat." Followed by a sad face and bringing my hand to my stomach and making a fat gesture. They'll laugh, and continue on with their day. In the end, it's just easier. 

2. Cut back on Korean snacks.

    I, unlike a lot of foreigners here, really enjoy rice cakes (tteok). I'm not talking about the ones in tteokbokki. I'm talking about the fancy ones filled with red bean or pumpkin. But they are not very healthy and so I've definitely had to put those on the back-burner. Accepting the occasional rice cake at a teacher's meeting will make everyone happy without seeming rude. Most meetings will have fruit. If I eat enough of that, they won't notice I haven't touched a rice cake. You need to just use your common sense, and living here for a year has taught me to see the difference between if I need to be accepting food even if I don't want to and when I can simply decline it with a smile. The quick rubbing of your stomach expressing you are "full" will aid in this.

3. Western Food Cravings
     Of course you're going to have cravings for your comfort food from home. Completely normal. After eating Korean food all week long, it's nice to spend your weekends indulging in some western-style food. However if you come from a small city like mine, you're not going to have the pleasure of sandwich places or restaurants with a nice salad that doesn't contain fried chicken. Instead you're going to get what Koreans think westerners eat... which is: spaghetti, fried chicken and pizza. That's all folks. You will find Mr. Pizza; Pizza Hut; Italian restaurants serving pilaf, pizza, and spaghetti combinations; 7 different kinds of Take-Out Fried Chicken places.

And that's pretty much it. Now coming from NY, Mr. Pizza does NOTHING for me. Actually pizza in general in Korea does nothing for me. I wasn't brought up eating fried chicken, so thank you mom. And as for the Italian restaurants... well there's nothing like some Long Island Italians... they know how to cook man. What I do like is my Mexican, Greek, Thai, Vietnamese, and Indian food.. and where do you find all of that... none other than the big cities. I'm talking Seoul, Daegu, and Busan. I've come to love a few favorites. And I make it a point to indulge in western food only when I go there. You should see me and my friends the second we arrive off that bus. Immediately there's a beeline for the nearest Starbucks. What are we having for lunch! And we're discussing our dinner plans while still sitting at lunch. Oh and did I mention Starbucks for the second or third time before we leave for back home.

A couple of my favorites:

Seoul:
The Flying Pan Blue- western-style brunch, organic sandwiches, salads, soups,  beautiful presentation, (Get there EARLY. Can't say that enough. This will forever go down as my top favorite.)- (Itaewon)
Buddha's Belly- Thai, romantic atmosphere, Vegan options (Itaewon)
Braii Republic- South African Have yet to go here =/ but have heard GREAT things from my SA friends (Itaewon)
Butterfinger Panckakes- western-style brunch, HUGE menu, amazing panckakes! (Gangnam)
Santorini- Greek, It's unbelievable that I haven't yet made it here, but it has definintely been recommended by friends. (Itaewon)

Daegu:
Dos Tacos- Mexican, delicious!!
Caliente- Mexican, great bar atmosphere at night, great drinks, a bit expensive but worth it
Berkeley- Italian, light salads, etc.
Mies Container- comfort food, huge salads, huge cheese dishes (like a cheese panini without the bread. Just the filling. Talk about heart attack- but soo good!) fun atmosphere, perfect for a hungover Daegu morning (minus the upbeat shouts from the Korean chefs every time someone puts in an order)

Busan:
Namaste- Indian, always has seating, dark/intimate setting, (Haeundae Beach)

4. Stay Active!
     Most of us who are employed with EPIK have a lot of downtime. (Can't say the same for hagwon teachers.) This means I am sitting on my ass for a good half of the day. Korea has great hiking trails. They also have many gyms- you just need to look for them. I always say if you're living in a city, don't forget to look up! There's so much you miss on the top floors of these buildings. I joined a great gym in my city.

A break from my run at our Nakdong River track

The owner and his right hand man (one of my friend's former HS students) are great and so friendly. Gyms in Korea are a daily comedy show. Most Koreans will walk the treadmill, do a few stretches, play around on a weight machine, and then go straight for the vibrating belt machine. Unlike the big cities, you will most likely have free range of everything being that you're probably going to be one of the only ones in there.
There have been many days where I have the gym completely to myself. Oh, and you think you're a celebrity on the street.. walk into the gym.. ALL eyes are going to be on you. But like everything, you will quickly become old news. Pheww. My gym has a few regulars, and they don't even blink an eye at me anymore. If anything, it's nice to feel like a part of the community when you walk into the gym and exchange smiles with the Koreans in there who see you everyday. Being that the weather is getting warmer, I stopped my membership for this month. I've been training for a 10k coming up next Sunday, so I've switched to our beautiful track at the river. But I'm already missing my weight training so I'll be back there soon! For right now, the warmth and the water is perfect =)

5. H20!
     This is a given. If you've been living in Korea, you will quickly realize that they don't drink a lot of water. At all. I still don't understand it. No one really does. If you're still eating a ton of Korean food during the week... make sure you're staying hydrated. The abundant amount of salt in your system takes a toll. I personally have an issue with drinking enough water, so I labeled my water bottle with time-increments to keep me on track. It really helps.

6. Gmarket & iHerb
     Korea does not have a lot of the supplements and health foods that are readily available back home. I would kill for a Trader Joe's or a Whole Foods, but I've learned to deal with what I have here. These two websites are amazing. Gmarket is extremely cheap. I bought myself a blender for around $20 USD and a mini-oven for around $34 USD. iHerb is a website based out of the States that ships internationally for cheap! I recently bought chia seeds, quinoa, whole wheat flour, sucanat, and whey protein powder. My next order will consist of coconut oil and raw honey. You name it.. they got it! Best part- they ship ridiculously fast. Especially Gmarket. I ordered my oven- two days later I was baking my chicken. BAM!

I think a big part of my problem was that I thought living in this country meant me having to change my lifestyle to make it fit theirs. But moving abroad doesn't mean you should throw away everything you've worked so hard for; everything you know. That's really not the right way to go about assimilating  If you have the resources- use them! I know that now. South Korea has resources, you just need to do a bit of research. Hopefully this blog will help some of you out. Explore! My friend just recently found an Asian market around the corner from my apartment.. literally a 2 1/2 minute bike ride from my front door. There, I found chick peas, cilantro, mung beans, and a bunch of other goodies. I also have one cheat meal a week, where I let myself eat whatever meal I've been craving.

The last piece of advice I have is don't get too crazy. You're in a foreign country for godsakes! Enjoy their food! Try new things! Take it in.. because before you know it, before I know it, I'm going to be back home craving dakgalbi and bulgogi. So let yourself go a bit. That should be a given with anyone living a healthy lifestyle. Know your neighborhood. Know its markets. Know its specialty foods. Know your body. Know its limits. Experiment. Explore.

Some things I enjoy in my city of Andong:
> The most delicious carrot cake I've ever had (Cafe Life in Shinae)
> Delicious dakgalbi (in downtown Shinae)
> Andong jjimdak (Jjimdak Street in Shinae)
> Frozen yogurt (Yoger Presso across from Sungso Hospital)
> Vietnamese Shabu Shabu (in Okdong)
> Japanese (Katsura in Okdong)
> Fresh-brewed coffee (Zelkova in Shiane)
> Jajangmyeon (Chinese restaurant in Dangbukdong)

Kimchi Jiggae: my favorite take-out meal ($5 USD) 

Andong Jjimdak

Shabu Shabu (Photo credit: Leandi Pienaar)

Something I've been trying to do recently is stay present-minded- something that clicked with me when I read it off a friends' status. (She is finishing up her last few days in the Peace Corps, where she has been living in Zambia for the past 2+ years.) So as much as I have been working my ass off for the body I had before I came to Korea, I am remembering to enjoy every minute of my life here. I am on one hell of an incredible journey and decided to embark on it for another 12 months. Two months have already passed since I've been home and it WILL be all over before I know it. I'm staying present-minded, cherishing and making mental notes of everything I experience, see, hear, do, and to get back on track of this post- eat.

This weekend has turned into quite the cooking and baking frenzy. I'm leaving you with some recent goodies I've experimented with. Enjoy!

I was on a smoothie kick all last week thanks to my delicious french vanilla whey protein. (This one had blueberries, walnuts, chia, flax, almond milk, and FV whey protein,)

Baked sweet potatoes, red split lentils, onions, greens, carrots 

Blueberry Oatmeal Bake. Inspired by FitFoodieFinds 

Chickpea Breakfast. (chickpeas, egg whites, yellow peppers, tomatoes, kale, chia seeds)

Homemade Tahini (sesame seeds & olive oil)

Almond Butter (DIdn't come out right. Unfortunately my small blender does not have the power of a food processor or Vitamix) But I'll find something to do with what I did get out of it! haha

Chickpea Peanut Butter Chocolate Chip Cookies (flour free, oil free, egg free, sugar free)

Clean Homemade Hummus: Kimchi Anyone? 

Mung Bean Ball Salad- Inspired by Scandifoodie

Korea has some delicious foods- enjoy them! But don't forget what your body needs. =)